Category Archives: Shidduchim

Breaking the Mold

There’s the old metaphor of cookie cutters to describe a group of people that are all the same. It always made sense to me – the metaphor, I mean, not that all people should be the same.

I always wondered then, why shidduchim wasn’t easier, and why was there a shidduch crisis. If most people are from cookie cutter molds, why not just line the girls up in one row, boys in another, and viola, a match made in heaven! (or more like taken straight from the Queen of Sheba’s playbook) And then take the other people left and match them off to each other, they may take a little longer, but it would be a smaller pool do delve into and therefore easier to find the right match.

This conundrum bothered me tremendously, why couldn’t they just marry each other, why did things not always match up? I couldn’t understand, until two nights ago, when for the first time in my life, I used a cookie cutter.

Did you know that getting a perfect exact match from a cookie cutter mold is something best left to professionals, or people who really like to bake.

First you have to make sure the dough is evenly spread, so you don’t get some thin and some thick, then when picking up the cookie, there has to be enough flour underneath it so it doesn’t stick to the counter and get misshapen when you start tugging at it. And then when you try to remove the dough in between each cut out, make sure you do it neatly, and don’t take off some poor cookie’s tip, or accidently brush up against a cookie leaving a dent. Never mind that you have to have a good dough in the first place, so it doesn’t bubble get yuchy, and actually works well being rolled out and cut out, like chocolate chip cookie doughs don’t fare so well with the molds. And then when you’re transferring the cookie onto the sheet, make sure handle delicately so as not to leave and marks. Space it evenly so they don’t over crowd and get up on top of each other, they need their own space, and then make sure to bake them properly. Not too long, or they’ll be burned to a crisp, take care that cookies of the same thickness go together so they’ll bake evenly, or you’ll get some crispy some raw…and on and on this metaphor goes…make each stage apply to whatever variances in personality and child rearing there is…

And that’s why even a cookie cutter doesn’t guarantee drones, there are just way too many variables to account for in between.

Btw, despite all the issues I faced baking my linzer tarts, for a first attempt they came out pretty decent. Let’s hope I can say more for my first child.


Posted by on February 23, 2011 in Jewish, Parenting, Shidduchim


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How To Become Popular

Me: I got three phone calls about you in two days! Is there something about turning 23 that makes you more dateable?

Happy Single Friend: Ye, people feel guilty to make me sound less than perfect

1 Comment

Posted by on January 26, 2011 in Shidduchim


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Attending to Spaces

A long while ago Bad4 wrote a post about how she receives a lot wedding invitations, not based on popularity, but on marital status: the fact that she is single. She is invited so the kallah has people with a supposedly more flexible schedule and the kallah does not look like a social leper to her mother-in-law (that last line was mine).

In any case, I was talking to a friend of mine the other night (she’s happily single) and she wanted to know if she’s a terrible person.  After assuring her that she was one of the world’s most amazing people and she is in the running with Mother Theresa for the most altruistic woman award (at least that’s what I say when they call for info) I inquired as to why she, a most self confident woman, needed the affirmation.

“Grademate SoandSo is getting married tonight, and I’m too lazy to trek out to Williamsburg and attend.”

“That doesn’t make you terrible, just lazy,” I informed her.

“Well truth be told,” she continued. “Y’know that post from Bad4 that single girls get more invitation, it’s true, SoandSo would have never invited me otherwise. I think the last time I spoke to her was your wedding. Were you invited by the way?”

“Nope, I wasn’t ,” I replied. “But if you were, then I should have been, I have a lot more to do with her than you, we’re at least friends on Facebook. But I wasn’t invited because I’m married and therefore not expected to attend an acquaintance’s wedding. “

“So I’m really just there to take up space.” She concluded

“Ahh,” I said. “So you’re really just preserving your self-dignity, that you will not just be a pretty single girl to fill up a hall. Also following this logic, she’s not going to attend your wedding, because she’s married now, and now in another “league” so now you kinda don’t have to go to hers if she wouldn’t even think of reciprocating.”

“Exactly my thought when I called,” my friend said. “I’m not going in protest to my pride in receiving an invitation, and your pride in not receiving one!”

“So then I repeat my original sentiments, you are not terrible, in fact you a champion of single’s rights and sensitivities,” I proclaimed.

“Will you tell that the shadchanim?”

“Of course.”

“Then I’ll never get married.”

“Oh” [pause] “Can I blog about this?”

“Sure, you’re married.”


Posted by on January 17, 2011 in Humor, Jewish, Shidduchim


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Made in Heaven

They had nothing to say to each other.

They sat there awkwardly across from one another.

He shifted his weight; she sat straighter.

They had covered high schools, seminary, Israel, and camp.

He finished his soda; she sipped at her water.

They were both nice, fine, came from good families, and wanted the same things.

He said ummm; she leaned forward expectantly.

They covered family, yichus, music and food.

He sat straighter; she shifted her weight.

They had nothing to say to each other.


Posted by on November 2, 2010 in Shidduchim, Writing


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When Two Collide

Castilian literature in BCN • Literatura caste...

Image by A nosa disco necesítanos via Flickr

With many eligible people in my life, I’ve been hearing a lot about dating, the issues, the awkwardness, the stupidities, and what-not.

I’m also currently teaching literary terms and elements to my students, with those two in mind, I’d like to share with you one of the most accurate dating similes, brought to you, courtesy of my husband’s chavrusa (he’s eligible)

Dating is like talking to a Shabbos Guy, you can’t say what  you’re feeling or thinking directly; you have to come up with some awkward way to get your point across.


Posted by on October 6, 2010 in Humor, Jewish, Shidduchim


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The Futility of Secrets

There are Lamed Vav tzadikim nistarim; what happened to the women?

 This question was typical of the many very deep and philosophical conversations I have with my husband over dinner.

 We though quietly for moment and then decided we couldn’t speak for previous generations, but in today’s day it’s impossible to be a tzadekes nisteres (If that’s the right word for it)

 This is for the few simple reasons; let me edify you.

 With today’s shidduch crisis, if you’re a girl, and you have a good quality, you better broadcast in on Primetime TV (primetime? TV? What’s that?), not even to get an edge over other girls, but to be in contention at all. So even if you pride yourself on your clandestine charity work, I don’t suggest that you do so in this critical stage in life.

 Then if by rare chance, you made it though shidduchim without revealing your tzadekes status, getting your child into school will.

 You thought shidduchim competition was bad? Forget about it. Take any pride you may have had, get down on your hands and knees, beg, and grovel for your child to be accepted to your third choice school.

 If you don’t let them know what a beautiful, amazing, phenomenal person you and your husband are, how solid your yiddishkeit is, how Torah is the cornerstone of home, and that your chinuch is exactly on par with whatever the schools ideology is, short of performing miracles (on second though, performing miracles is not a bad idea) dream on about your child’s formal Jewish education.

 If on even the slim to nil chance you still did not have to reveal your lofty status….your children are back in shidduchim and you’re on display again…azoy geit dus.

 I’m sure there are some of you out there who may be insisting that you were able to maintain your covert charity. All I say to you is, You’re a Narcissistic Benefactor, a contradiction in terms, if there ever was one.


Posted by on December 2, 2009 in Jewish, Shidduchim


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Haveil Havalim – Or is it?

For those who cared to have notice, posts of mine have been featured in the past three Haveil Havalim, the latest one up at Here in HP, check it out.

 Ummm…I’m trying to figure out how I feel about it…well it’s flattering that my posts made it, but considering I’m the one who submitted it, not so much so. Tooting my own horn is a bit awkward for me, but if nobody will, I have to, to move myself forward.

 You don’t know how hesitant I was to submit my first post.

There’s the fear of rejection.

The fear of “do I measure up”.

The fear of being to too full of myself, arrogant, and boastful that I’m submitting my own piece

 …but then I did and it wasn’t so scary, and I was featured…three times…is that a reflection on my writing, or Haveil Havelim isn’t a really a standard?

 Going back to “tooting your own horn”, I wanted to know how people feel about that. Should people propel themselves forward by their own energy, or should let people do it for them…or course there’s a balance, but what is it? I’m really not comfortable with the idea of selling yourself…maybe that’s why I’m not so big on the whole shidduch information thing…

 In the meantime…I made it, apparently, so what’s the next step? Have I reached my zenith, or am I just holding myself back with self-doubt masking as modesty?


Posted by on February 15, 2009 in Jewish, Shidduchim


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