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Category Archives: Marriage

Friendly Fire

We weren’t friends yet, but planned on being. It would just be convenient, our husbands were close friends, our kids, of the same age and gender, it seemed meant to be, we just had to get to know each other. One such opportunity rose by the out-of-town wedding of our husband’s close friend. Neither of us knew anyone else, so our conversing would save face for both us, and didn’t seem so contrived.

Neither of us were really comfortable dancing, we didn’t know anyone but the other, not even the bride. So we sat and watched, our babies on our laps gave us more validity to sit this one out.

I saw her eyes narrow, but not knowing her well enough, I felt it wasn’t my place to ask what was irking her, but she let me know though, taking me into her confidence,

“These girls are dancing so unrefined.” Lips pursed together, arms crossed. I hadn’t noticed, to be honest, it looked like a regular wedding to me. That didn’t seem the right thing to say, I wanted her to like me, for us to get along and understand each other, so I just sat there, and gave a slight nod – not of approval, but for her to continue.

“Girls would never dance like this in Lakewood, shrieking their heads off, waving their hands so high, and, I dunno, shaking their hips.”

Girls don’t know they have hips in Lakewood, I thought.

But now looking at the wedding from her Lakewood girl perspective, I guess she had a point. The girls were dancing very aggressively, lively, and I thought quite beautifully, the bride was happy, wasn’t that the point? But for Lakewood, yes, I suppose it was a bit unrefined. This wasn’t Lakewood though, and who said Lakewood is right in the first place.

I gave a slight nod again, and said,

“I hear.”

We moved on to more pressing topics like which socks actually stay on babies feet and are Target’s up & up diapers really that good. I thought we could still be friends; friends are entitled to their own opinion, right?
She called me up three days later. The Chosson and Kallah had eaten breakfast by me, and she was curious.

“How were they?” she asked.

“Really cute, y’know.”

There was pause on her end.

“Were they passing things?”

This was 5 exits past different opinions, and I knew then, she wouldn’t ever be more than a husband’s friend’s wife.

 
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Posted by on March 12, 2012 in Humor, Jewish, Marriage, Weddings, Writing

 

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As Good as it Gets

The post is in response to Princess Lea’s “Splitsville

 When I got engaged, Leah Foster (who I taught with at the time) gave me this sagely piece of advise – if you can call it that. After she said it, other older teachers who were sitting around bored with their own marital advice expressed their disapproval, and that I should disregard what she said. I didn’t. And I don’t remember any lessons for marital bliss they extended, unsolicited, but I remember Leah’s and firmly believe and stand by it. Very eloquently she said,

“Oooh marriage! [rubbing her hands together in glee with a clichéd mischievous glint in her eye] Get ready for some high high’s and low lows. The highs are amazing, you’ll never feel better, and the lows, well, you never felt so bad in your life.”

I’m a big believe of balance in this world. As good as it get, it as bad as it can be, and I think marriage is one of those cases, where a person can witness this duality so clearly.

When you care and invest so much into something, the dividends are that much more sweeter and appreciated, and when there are moments where your investment seems to falter, and fail – you’re a lot more disappointed, frustrated and upset, than the time you dropped your lollipop.

The closer you are to someone, the more they can hurt you. You don’t care when some large black woman in Shoprite mutters under her breath how rude and inconsiderate you are that you bumped into her with your run-amok-wheels are in opposite directions- shopping cart. You said you were sorry when it happened, it’s her problem that she’s still bugging about it. When your husband calls your rude and inconsiderate, I’d like to see you brush it off that easily. It’s just the way life is.

We have more expectations of the people we are close to. We expect them to love us, care for us, protect us, be there for us, and when they sometimes (and almost inevitably) fall short at times,               (because no one is perfect always) it hurts, that much more.

 How could they do this to us?!

 Don’t we mean anything to them?!

Maybe we don’t???!

 What are we doing?

What does this all mean?!

 

And we start to doubt everything we know.

 

If you don’t recognize the cycle you will fall victim to it.

I think that’s where a lot of people go wrong these days. Not just in marriage, but in all relationships.

 
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Posted by on December 19, 2011 in Marriage

 

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Idiom = Idiot

She thought it was cute. I thought it was hysterical.

I was talking to a heimish/chassidish neighbor on Shabbos. I don’t recall how we got to the topic or what the topic even was, but she was reminded of a cute story that happened when she was first married.

In the beginning, her husband liked to go out at night, to Wal-Mart, for a walk, anything, he just liked to be out. She would go along with him some nights and other nights make excuses, like she had laundry, or something around the house that had to be done. He cottoned on, and realized, that she didn’t really like going out at night.

He turns to her soon after and says,

“You know, when we got information about you, everyone said you were a very out-going girl.”

My neighbor looked at her husband in surprise and protest, “I am!” she insisted (and she is).

Her husband was perplexed, “So why don’t you like going out at night?”

My neighbor, thought the misunderstood idiom by her Williamsburg raised husband was the cutest ever. I just thought it was hysterical in a laugh at you – not with you way.

It took every ounce of self control to not dissolve into howling laughter.

 
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Posted by on May 15, 2011 in Humor, Jewish, Marriage

 

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Waking Up On the Wrong Side

My husband’s recently married friend made an observation I couldn’t resist sharing.

When he was a bachur and he got up early/on time for shachris he’d look around his dorm room at other guys still sleeping and feel good about himself. He had resolve, strengnth, he could beat his yetzer hara; it was good for his self-esteem and self perception.

Now when he wakes up early he looks around and see his wife, still sleeping, and is jealous.

 
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Posted by on March 9, 2011 in Humor, Jewish, Marriage

 

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The Crossing of Marriage and Life

Before you get married everyone tells you marriage is a growing experience.

You grow as a person and a couple. You learn to put up and shut up about some things. You learn how to control your temper, understand or at least appreciate other perspectives.  You learn think twice before you speak and how to phrase your words. You learn to respect privacy, boundaries, and opinions You learn to pick your battles, and discern what’s important in the long run, and what can fall to the way side.

This is good growth, and healthy marriage practices.

My only question is, this whole growing process, is it to be shared and spread onto other aspects of your life, working relationships, family relationships, children?

I’m assuming not, because if it were so I must come to the conclusion that most people are miserable in their marriages….

 
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Posted by on January 27, 2010 in Marriage

 

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Marital Fued (food)

I love pizza, yogurt, tacos, coffee, onions, hot pepper, cumin and tomatoes. My husband likes pizza and can tolerate yogurt (in theory) everything else on the aforementioned list is nuclear waste to him: dangerous and garbage.

It’s really normal for people to have different palates and preferences when comes to taste (and smell, we all know the chazal), and I’m not complaining about that…what I am complaining about, well not complaining, but raising a point. Why do I, and most women cook for their husbands taste and not their own?

Yes, of course we want to please out husbands and make them happy. Keep them contented and full, but seriously, I can’t remember the last supper I made with me as top priority. I’d like kid myself that I am just that giving of a wife, but honestly I’m not.

Maybe, I suppose it’s easier to make sacrifices on your own part then expect someone else to do it for you. (Yes, food is a big sacrifice)

I mentioned this to my husband, he heard my point and encouraged me to make supper for myself, this very night.

“Tacos?” I suggested brightly.

“Whatever you want,” he chided.

I perked up, wow, this was beautiful martial giving at work, I knew I married a great guy! “I’m not gonna be home for supper tonight, R’s sheva brachos, remember.” He finished.

Maybe it’s really just that the old adage is right, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” and deep down we instinctively know it’s true, and follow through accordingly.

Whatever the psychology is, I’m having cereal and milk for supper tonight.

 
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Posted by on December 1, 2009 in Food, Marriage

 

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TimeZones and Marriage

It’s weird. I got married 5 months ago. My friend’s sister got married 11 months ago, and now my friend (whose sister I just mentioned) is getting married in 2 months.

In 20 years, 10 years, 5 years, possibly less, we’ll look at each other, tell our kids, and spouses and selves, that we all got married in the same year, what a short time, what a shared experience.

But living in it now, it’s not at all like that. It seems like forever. That her sister was married and settled so long ago, that I got engaged so much after that (even if it was just two and half months) that I had a long tortuous 4 month engagement, and while I was already engaged my friend dated about 6 guys, sagas included, before she got engaged 2 months ago.

There was so much life lived during that time, so much differences, so much anxiety, happiness, waiting, hoping, wondering, aspirations, ifs…on all our parts, that were unique to ourselves.

…and I’m not sure when it becomes all relative, but there’s a big difference between someone married 1 week, 1 month, 2 months, 6 months, a year…   and between the 3 of us, were living in different time-zones.

So in years from now, when we’ll say “Ye, we all got married then, all around the same time, same experience” I think we’re cutting our lives short.

Or maybe that perspective years later, will give me perspective on the one I have now.

 
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Posted by on November 30, 2009 in Jewish, Marriage

 

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