Attending to Spaces

17 Jan

A long while ago Bad4 wrote a post about how she receives a lot wedding invitations, not based on popularity, but on marital status: the fact that she is single. She is invited so the kallah has people with a supposedly more flexible schedule and the kallah does not look like a social leper to her mother-in-law (that last line was mine).

In any case, I was talking to a friend of mine the other night (she’s happily single) and she wanted to know if she’s a terrible person.  After assuring her that she was one of the world’s most amazing people and she is in the running with Mother Theresa for the most altruistic woman award (at least that’s what I say when they call for info) I inquired as to why she, a most self confident woman, needed the affirmation.

“Grademate SoandSo is getting married tonight, and I’m too lazy to trek out to Williamsburg and attend.”

“That doesn’t make you terrible, just lazy,” I informed her.

“Well truth be told,” she continued. “Y’know that post from Bad4 that single girls get more invitation, it’s true, SoandSo would have never invited me otherwise. I think the last time I spoke to her was your wedding. Were you invited by the way?”

“Nope, I wasn’t ,” I replied. “But if you were, then I should have been, I have a lot more to do with her than you, we’re at least friends on Facebook. But I wasn’t invited because I’m married and therefore not expected to attend an acquaintance’s wedding. “

“So I’m really just there to take up space.” She concluded

“Ahh,” I said. “So you’re really just preserving your self-dignity, that you will not just be a pretty single girl to fill up a hall. Also following this logic, she’s not going to attend your wedding, because she’s married now, and now in another “league” so now you kinda don’t have to go to hers if she wouldn’t even think of reciprocating.”

“Exactly my thought when I called,” my friend said. “I’m not going in protest to my pride in receiving an invitation, and your pride in not receiving one!”

“So then I repeat my original sentiments, you are not terrible, in fact you a champion of single’s rights and sensitivities,” I proclaimed.

“Will you tell that the shadchanim?”

“Of course.”

“Then I’ll never get married.”

“Oh” [pause] “Can I blog about this?”

“Sure, you’re married.”


Posted by on January 17, 2011 in Humor, Jewish, Shidduchim


Tags: , , ,

7 responses to “Attending to Spaces

  1. aminspiration

    January 17, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Its incredible how once ur married..anything flies you can live life as you please..
    Wear a pony shaitel, dark nail you please..

  2. Princess Lea

    January 17, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    It’s not that simple. Cost wise, inviting married girls also means inviting their husbands (cha ching), and while married girls may accept to be polite, they and their spouses are more likely to split earlier leaving an uneaten cold, lonely and expensive chicken.

    Additionally, Bad4 was speaking quite true. No one has visions of their wedding involving only her two best friends. They want a huge showing. But in the end, it is the small weddings that are the most fun, where you dance like fiend because you count, even if you haven’t seen the kallah in 7 years.

    In order to make life easier for everyone, dancing should be cut down to a minimum of 30 minutes for the whole wedding.

  3. Mystery Woman

    January 17, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    aminspiration…That’s true, until your kids are in shidduchim.

  4. TooYoungToTeach

    January 17, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    PL: I think most married people leave their husbands at home unless it’s a close friend getting married…so I don’t think married people figure that much into the cost…unless you’re figuring time – with single people in attendance they are likely to stay longer than a married person.

    AM and MM – too true!!

  5. aminspiration

    January 18, 2011 at 12:40 am

    Mystery Woman- that is all comes back to the “S” word..shidduchim…well im in it now ..not my kids (dont have any that would be bad for shidduchim) but its hard to maintain a sense of self in such a situation

  6. Princess Lea

    January 18, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    Really? One can invite only the Mrs? I remember my mother being furious by my sister’s wedding because long-lost married classmates were invited with their spouses, and they actually showed up.

    But again, a married woman is not as likely to be wooed for a wedding as a single one. A single one is less likely to have a life 🙂 and will be able to be arm wrestled into an appearance with only the slightest amount of applied guilt. Can she say, “I’ve got nighttime feedings, meals to make, Purim costumes to sew?”

    You try getting out of it when your single. It’s brutal. “Um, well, you see . . . I don’t really know you?” That’s not going to fly.

  7. TooYoungToTeach

    January 19, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    PL: You’re mother had every right to be furious, you can’t not invite thee husband, you can’t separate the “unit”, but really, most husbands stay at home (who’s watching the kids?, not such a free meal after all). I have a hard time convincing my husband to go to my closest friend’s wedding where he should be in attendance, he’s definitely not going if alls he’s getting is a piece of chicken; I can make that for him.

    AM: I’d love to say stay true to yourself, but it don’t work like that. There’s really a balance between pleasing society, and pleasing/being true to yourself. Some things you do for society, because it makes them happy and doesn’t affect you much in your principles. For example if you don’t have the patience to put on makeup – for shiduchim, find the energy and do – if however you b’shita don’t wear makeup don’t start now…you can still stay true to yourself (and find what you’re looking for) while still appeasing “society” at large by picking your battles wisely.


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