Compliment Complex

14 Jul

Cana someone tell me what the wait time is before I can start believing people when they compliment me?

It’s one of the woes of getting married.

“Didn’t they teach you to cover your hair in Kallah Classes?”

“It looks like it’s growing out of your head!”

“It looks just like your hair, amazing!”

Look, I love my shaitel (as much as you can love an itchy net with someone else’s hair [Thank You Olga, Yetta, and maybe even Sven] sewn into it). I look amazing, but it’s not that good, and any Jewish person with a discerning (or not even so) eye will notice how it doesn’t bristle in the wind, how humidity will not frizz it, and when I run my fingers through it, it goes perfectly back into place. They may also notice the tell tale line at the forehead (go with bangs my friends, most natural!)

And then there’s everyone going on how amazing I look.

“You lost weight!”

“I can feel your ribs through that hug”

“Such cheekbones!”

“Oiy so Cheenush” (gotta get the right accent on that line)

Gimme a break, I gained weight, like most people do after their wedding. Nothing significant, 2-3 pounds, but it shows up in my face first, so it’s like “Hello, fat”.

I’m just not used to eating such complete meals a day. Lunch is a whole sit-down affair with with fruit and salad and bagels and cookies for dessert. I’m used to eating cereal and milk for breakfast, lunch and dinner .

OF COURSE I GAINED WEIGHT and you denying the fact, and actually proclaiming the opposite makes me feel even fatter, and like a baby, “Awww you’re so cute, such pulkes”, except when you’re a newlywed it’s “Awww, you’re such a cute couple, look how they look at each other, you look amazing, you’re shaitel…..”

So, I’m on a diet.

And hiding away in my snood (one of my shaitels is right where it belongs, back at the shaitel macher, yay)

Compliment me if you dare…and if you do, you know how I’ll respond.

“Oh, thank you so much…really, you think so?…I dunno, I’m not used to it yet…Thanks, I’ve been feeling so fat, it’s good to hear someone think otherwise…”

I’m so good at smiling and nodding it’s terrible; I guess I’m just lying right back at ‘em


Posted by on July 14, 2009 in Marriage


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18 responses to “Compliment Complex

  1. offthederech

    July 15, 2009 at 9:18 am

    Welcome back.

    Can we get a good post? 🙂

  2. Princess Lea

    July 15, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    The joys of the word “chinosh” are that it can’t be used falsely. There are so many requirements to permit application of that term that it must be true when said.

    Yet I can understand. Any time I’m complimented I feel as though the other person is either a) lying through their teeth or b) want something from me.

    And I myself get uncomfortable with comments as the last time someone said my skin looked great, it turned into a perpetual breakout.

  3. Moshe

    July 15, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    cheenush, chinosh, translation?

    Yeah, don’t like compliments either. Either lying to be nice or lying to butter you up because they need “a favor”.

  4. halfshared

    July 16, 2009 at 11:25 am

    Oh my G-d, Cheenush! I was always wondering what that meant! I saw it on a ZSRF DVD in one of Leah Forster’s comedy shows and I totally thought she made that word up. I didn’t realize it’s part of the Brooklyn dictionary.

  5. Princess Lea

    July 16, 2009 at 11:27 am

    “Chinosh,” a Hungarian word. The Hungarians and their love of aesthetics created a term that’s a little hard to explain.

    Example: one is clothing shopping, and dons a shoe or skirt that magically makes the foot or thighs look smaller. Therefore, one looks chinosh as a result of this attire.

    If one’s figure looks fabulous in a dress, then one can be complimented on looking so chinosh.

    The term for handsome or pretty is “seip.” That’s something else entirely.

  6. Ookamikun

    July 16, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    bla, just say it makes you look phat 😀

  7. tooyoungtoteach

    July 16, 2009 at 6:31 pm

    Moshe, you don’t get it, there is a certain pitch in the voice and accent that chinosh comes with that phat does can’t measure up.

    Chinosh said properly is the ULTIMATE

  8. Ookamikun

    July 16, 2009 at 6:37 pm

    Then you’d have to post an audio clip to make me believe it.

  9. Dude with hat (aka BTS)

    August 3, 2009 at 12:27 am

    Since I started to take compliment-like things people tell me with a bit of salt I actually made myself paranoid because now I never know if I can believe people or they just say that to give me some attention or so. So I wish you just always take compliments as they are without a back-thought about what they really mean behind these words and I wish you to get truthful compliments for a very very long time!

    On the funny note: our shul’s rabbi’s wife’s BD was few days ago. They have four kids and the bchor will be bar-mitzvah in a little bit more than a year from now. Now imagine that when she comes to a grocery to buy cigarettes for her husband they would ask her ID. Yes, she shared that just few days ago and it’s not a joke!

    So take compliments seriously – they never harm.

    PS. I tagged you in the meme

  10. Deborah Shaya

    December 16, 2009 at 8:27 am

    There is No codified Halacha that a married woman must cover her hair totally and constantly whenever she steps out of her house.

    The Halachah has been MISinterpreted. When the Halachah refers to “Covering hair,” it does not mean “Cover your hair with hair!” and “constantly for life.” The Halachah is that:

    A married woman is required to cover her hair when:

    (1) she lights the candles to welcome in Shabbat and Yom Tov – lechavod Shabbat ve Yom Tov, and

    (2) when she goes to the Synagogue, because that is the place of Kedusha.

    The Halacha does not require anything more from married women. This is the true interpretation of the Halacha.

    The misinterpretation of the Torah is completely Assur, and a twisting of the Torah.The Torah must remain straight.

  11. Deborah Shaya

    December 16, 2009 at 8:28 am

    In ancient times, a woman would only cover her hair upon entering the Beit Hamikdash.Similarly for the Sotah-otherwise she would not be required to cover her hair ordinarily, day to day.

    It is very important for people to know and realise that when a married woman covers her hair with ‘Real Hair’ the woman is covering herself with 100% Tumah. This is totally against the Torah.

    Nothing could be more nonsensical than for a Jewish woman to cover her hair with someone else’s hair -who was not Jewish as well!She can never fully be sure that this ‘hair’ has not come from meitim-despite any guarantee by the seller.This ‘real hair’ is doubly and in some circumstances, triply Tumah.

    1.It will contain the leftover dead hair cells from another person – however much it has been treated, the tumah is still there.

    2.This other person (likely to be a non-Jew who most likely was involved in some kind of Avodah Zarah) may have eaten bacon, ham, lobster etc, all of which are totally forbidden as unclean and non-kosher foods in Halacha.

    3.If the woman happens to be the wife of a COHEN, then she is bringing her husband into close contact and proximity with meitim and Tumah Every day, and throughout their married life. This is clearly strictly against the Torah.

    There is nothing more degrading and demeaning to a woman than to make her cover her hair FOR LIFE upon marriage.It is an abhorrent practice.

  12. Deborah Shaya

    December 16, 2009 at 8:28 am

    Any man who makes such a ridiculous demand on his wife, or wife-to-be, should similarly also be required by his wife to wear: long white stockings, even in the summer; a fur streimel; grow a long beard; wear a black hat and coat constantly, and cover his face when he speaks to his wife.Wigs -“la perruque”- were merely a fashion item in the time of Louis XIV-they are not for the Jewish woman!

    Rabbi Menachem Schneeersohn tz”l, gave the directive that a married woman must cover her head with a “sheitel.” This needs to be corrected. Rabbi Schneersohn a”h, was a Tzaddik, – but on this – he was, unfortunately not correct.

    It is extremely unhealthy and unhygienic for a woman to cover her hair constantly.The hair needs oxygen to breathe.A woman’s hair will lose its natural beauty and shine, she may have scalp problems, some of her hair may fall out, she may get headaches, and she may end up cutting it short like a man, when she always wore it long, in order not to have too much discomfort from her hair covering.

    Do you think that HaKadosh Baruch Hu commanded this of women? I can assure you that He did not.The commmandments are not meant to cause so much repression and oppression in women.Was Chava created with a wig? Of course not! Did she start wearing a wig? Of course not!

    Please Wake Up.

    Use the spark of intelligence that Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave to you and blessed you with.

    And give your wig back to your husband if you wear one.

  13. Deborah Shaya

    December 16, 2009 at 8:29 am

    1. To all the women who are wondering about the sources:

    We have all been created, “Betselem Elokim” – “in the image of Elokim.”
    This means that we have been given something called “intelligence.” The source is the very first Parsha, Bereishit – 1:27. It is time that people use the spark of intelligence and Kedusha with which Hashem has blessed them.

    If your rabbi will tell you to go and jump into the depths of a glacier, presumably you would do that too – and give me a source for it?

    “According to the Zohar”, I should also be covering my hair with a wig when I have a bath. “According to the Zohar and the Gemara” and all the sources that have misinterpreted the Halachah, and MIStranslated the Zohar, I should also have been born with a WIG on my head.

    These sources and translations are incorrect, as they have deviated very far from the true and correct interpretation, of the Halachah.

  14. Deborah Shaya

    December 16, 2009 at 8:29 am

    2.Remember that the Jewish women are very, very holy. They are much more holy than the men. Look at the exemplary behaviour of the women at Har Sinai.

    The women never sinned at the Eigel, and so are greatly elevated. Many of the men, unfortunately, ran after a calf made out of a lump of gold – after they had just been given the Torah, and seen the greatest of all Revelations. The women refused to give their gold for the avodah zarah of the men.

    The women were greatly elevated after such a wonderful display of Emunah, and they are regarded very highly in Shamayim.

    That is why women are not even required to pray. They can pray at home on their own. Nor do women have to make up a minyan. That is how holy the Jewish women are. Men have to pray 3 times a day to remind them of their Creator.

    The men are telling the women to put the hair of a non-Jewish woman who may have eaten things like snakes and sharks and alligators, and has worshipped in churches, Buddist temples or Hindu temples : on their own Heads. They had better wake up.

    If the men don’t want to wake up to the truth, and the true interpretation of the Halacha, the women will wake them up – whether they like it or not.

    3. Many righteous women influenced their husbands for the good at the Chet Haeigel and at the time of Korach.

    It was these righteous women who succeeded in bringing their husbands back to their senses.

    And because of these great women, the lives of their husbands were saved. Those men therefore turned away from the madness of avodah zarah, and the rebellion of Korach against Hashem’s choice of Aharon, as Cohen HaGadol.

  15. Deborah Shaya

    December 16, 2009 at 8:29 am

    4. Look at the Jewish women in history, and remember how holy they are.

    (a) Yaakov, who was the greatest of the Avot, came to marry the 2 daughters of Lavan, Rachel and Leah. Lavan was not exactly a tzaddik. Yaakov went to Lavan, of all people, to marry his 2 daughters – not 1 daughter, but his 2 daughters. Nothing could be greater than that.

    (b) Rut, who came from Moav, became the ancestor of David Hamelech.

    (c ) Batya, the daughter of Paroh, was given eternal life because she rescued Moshe from the river. No one could have been more evil than Paroh.

    (d) Devorah, was a Neviah, and also a Judge.

    Women who came from such adverse backgrounds, were able to become builders of Am Yisrael. That is how holy the women are, and how much more elevated they are than the men.

    This was never the case with men. It never happened the other way round.

    Don’t tell me it is holy for me to wear a WIG! Hair over my own hair? This is ridiculous!

    Similarly, don’t tell me it is holy for me to plonk a permanent head covering on my head for the rest of my life. This is equally vile.

    Please Wake Up.

    Use the spark of intelligence that Hakadosh Baruch Hu gave to you and blessed you with.

    And give your wig back to your husband if you wear one.

    5. Remember: Not a single “dayan” or “rabbi” has the slightest bit of interest in correcting the situation for the women. Therefore, the women will have to correct the situation…………….for ………………themselves.

    Whether you wish to accept the correction – which is true – is up to you. Are you going to live by the truth? Are you going to use the spark of intelligence that Hashem gave to you and all women? Or are you going to follow rabbis and dayanim who tell you to wear a wig in a Heat Wave – and you thank them for it as well?

  16. tooyoungtoteach

    December 16, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    Let me just ask you, how do you explain Oan ben Peles’s wife?

    She saved her husband from the fate of Korach by sitting outside her house with her hair uncovered, thereby detering all the men summoning her husband.

    She uncovered her hair, which was so apparently wrong judging by the reaction of the men. Ergo, her hair was meant to be covered…

    And, the Torah was already received, and this was before rishonim, achronim or any other commentary to screw things up….covering hair dates back to the generation that was worthy of Yetizaas Mitzrayim, and Matan Torah….

    I think there’s a little more to it than what you say.

    And I find it difficult to negate the Mesorah of generations. It’s not just R’ Shneerson telling women to cover their hair. And dont give me, “just following the Rabbi” or “anti-feminist” argument. There is enough intellectual dissent in the Jewish community, that if there was some ground for you to stand on, more people would be with you.

  17. Moshe

    December 17, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    DS, you had some points but you completely destroyed them by turning the whole thing into pages long rant most of which has no basis and is full of ignorance.

  18. William Dwek

    December 21, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    The next things the “rabbis” will come up with is to tell the woman to wear a CARPET on her head. Not a sheitel AND a hat, but a Carpet. Or you could go for 5 shaitels on your heads and a rug.

    And do you know what the Jewish woman will say to her husband?
    “Yes, husband! I am now wearing a carpet on my head!”

    You women must either be extremely thick, or petrified.


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