Familial Failings

19 Feb

Worse than the wedding where you don’t know anyone but the chosson or Kallah, is the wedding of your cousin that you have nothing but a few genes in common.


If you don’t know anyone, yeah, it’s awkward standing there on the side, or holding hands with people you can’t even make small talk like “what are you doing these days” with, but you have enough of an excuse to yourself why you’re really not a social leper.


By cousins’ wedding you know a lot people, most of them intrusive aunts, suspender attired uncles, hand wringing greased boy cousins, and ginormous pouf, headband wearing girl cousin. They are not really your type. But you are not judgmental, or elitist or exclusive, so you kiss your aunts dry, hairy, or caked face, wave to your uncle, ignore the boy and make small talk with the girl.


You: “Hi!”

Her: “Hi!”

You: “So, How you doing?”

Her: “Great, B’H”

You: “What are you doing these days?”

Her:“I’m a(n) __________.” Or “ I’m going for _____________”

You:“Wow! Do you like it?

Her:“Love it, B”H”


Her“What about you?

You:“I’m ________________”

Her: “That’s really nice. Do you enjoy?”

You:“Yeah, it’s amazing.”

Her: (trailing off) “Yeah…”

You: (sparl of desperation)“Is that Tante Breindel there?”

Her: “Umm..yeah, that’s her touquise sparkled suit”

You: “What a character!”

Her: “Ye.”

You: “I must say hello to her! Can’t wait to dance.”

Her: “Yeah, me too.”


Sorry for wasting your time and writing the entire conversation, but that’s really it, the whole interaction. And then you beam pearly whites at each other from across the circle when you dance. I’m not even getting into the cousin that’s getting married. (You have to dance with her cause you’re cousins, but you have even less to say to her than your classmate, and it’s way more awkward because, well you should know her better…)


Then there’s the actual dancing, your mother, and all you aunts and extended family are watching you. How do you dance, are you leibedig? Smiling? Leading? Standing on the side? Maybe that’s why you’re not married.


And the dancing…it’s for the friends, you’re just there for filler, and because your grandmother would disown you if you didn’t.


And the worst is that you just can’t explain away to yourself why you’re so pathetic and antisocial in this environment, because technically, you know a lot of people here.


And then it gets worse, the celebration isn’t over yet, you still have to go to, Shabbos Sheva Brachos, and you used up all your small talk by the wedding and you just sit there quietly listening very intently to someone from the other side bumbling over his dvar torah. FUN!!!



Posted by on February 19, 2009 in Weddings


Tags: , , , ,

7 responses to “Familial Failings

  1. The Dreamer

    February 19, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    Maybe try getting to know them.
    You never know – there may be someone you can really like underneath that bump.

  2. Something Different

    February 20, 2009 at 4:13 am

    Hey don’t complain. My cousins are creeps. Seriously. One of them seems to have taken a lifelong Ta’anis Dibbur upon herself….and it goes downhill from there…

  3. Mikeinmidwood

    February 20, 2009 at 4:39 am

    Cousins are something I dont know of. There all in Israel, and some everywhere else but Brooklyn, but Ive got third cousins, less awkward.

  4. Moshe

    February 20, 2009 at 5:12 am

    Was by my wife’s male cousin’s wedding in Queens. Most, 99%, were from bride’s side and I knew no one.
    This was however in Sagdiana, kosher bukharian hall. Mixed sitting, awesome food which was tiered on the table. There was practically no room to put your plate. And the food, awesome. Couldn’t care who I knew or didn’t, spent the whole wedding getting acquainted with the food. 😀

  5. Chelsea

    February 20, 2009 at 7:47 am

    When I go to weddings where I feel akward, I just act retarded and have an AWESOME time…
    I usually make other people wacky and then we all act insane together and dance like theres no tomorrow…. SOOO FUN!! You should try it!
    HEY!-Its definitely better then feeling akward!!

  6. jennifer

    February 21, 2009 at 9:00 pm

    actually havn’t been to too many weddings recently… here’s hopin’! 😉

  7. EndOfWorld

    February 23, 2009 at 6:10 am

    haha, i was just be a bris today. this sounded exactly how the script went, except you lasted much longer…i usually run out of things to say after “how are you”


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