How to Know If You are a Close Friend of the Kallah: An Annotated Guide

07 Jan


  1. You arrive early for picturesYou show up early ooh and ahh, and after everyone else is done take two pictures with the Kallah:  one nice, one funny face. They will never make it past the proofs. 
  2. You get dressed in the bridal suiteYou have no real pressing need to get dressed there, but you’re showing up early enough, might as well look like you actually have something to do 
  3. You have access to the bride and bridal suiteYou can talk to the bride like a person and she  will respond like a person, not with a pasty smile for the aunt twice removed she hardly knows, or the old classmate that she has a nice bracha ready for. The bridal suite is a place for you to dump your stuff, like extra lipstick, a coat, and a change of clothes. It’s instead of the communal bathroom, has a lot more reliability and prestige. 
  4. You know the combination to the Yichud roomWhy you need it, no one knows, but you just had to put something there, are make sure something was just right…so you got access, you are a close friend after all. 
  5. You wear something longwhy wearing long signifies closeness and fraternity?…because the family is wearing gowns, and you are like extended family…maybe because long outfits are generally more expensive and you’d spend more for a close friends wedding…I’m not really sure, since I like short better, but that’s the rule.
  6. You get your makeup/hair doneThis friend is worthy enough for you to pay someone to do something you probably could do yourself (unless you REALLY have two left hands)
  7. Your place card has the longest letter written in the insideNever mind that the entire world can read this letter if they want to, and this it’s usually senseless garble mentioning every private joke you’ve ever shared; it’s all about the thought, and comparison competition.
  8. You arranged for the Tefilah pamphlets at the Chupah – I don’t know why these don’t come standard, or even optional at halls yet, but this is a very important job. Make sure you have enough for the Ladies side, men don’t bother. It’s mostly single girls who feel obligated to say it because the won’t look like they really want to get married, and young married girls who say it in the presence of their single friends who feel guilty that they are already married.
  9. You hand out the Kallah’s jewelryOf course you keep the diamond ring for yourself. You have the list that lets everyone else know the hierarchy of the Kallah’s friend, who got the bracelet, the watch, who  was relegated to an earring, and who got nothing at all. You are all powerful dispensing and informing people of their place…you also get to run around like a chicken, squawking for girls to return the jewelry by the time the Kallah is out of the Yichud room
  10. You arrange the shtick – You make sure the arches are up when she walks in. You look ever so incongruent in your black little number shlepping around heavy duty garbage bags
  11. You dance with the Kallah by the first danceFirst dance is reserved for family, whether the Kallah likes them or not…of you make it the Kallah is letting you know that if she could have chosen her family, you’d have danced with her before Great Aunt Bertha who wears too much #5.
  12. You do the hugging dance when you first dance with the KallahYou are pulling off her veil, inhaling hair spray and foundation, but go right ahead
  13. People start clapping when you dance with the Kallah‘nuff said, acknowledgment from everyone else that you are in fact a close friend
  14. You dance in the inner circle at all times  People respect your place, never cut you off or relegate you to third string shuffle
  15. Arrange the dancing, instructing everyone to back up and spread outEveryone always feels bad for this person. They look so stupid, with their arms waving, and very pushy telling everyone to go around the photographers stepstool…but somehow when you’re the close friend, it just happens and you morph into the being for the night.
  16. You bring the Kallah water At the slightest beckon you are there with glass in hand…it’s a segula you know.  
  17. You bring the Kallah a chairYou are clairvoyant, and when you see a wide-eyed Kallah, mouth agape and beads of sweat, you somehow know that she needs to sit down. Close friend to the rescue!
  18. Have napkin at hand to pat down the KallahWhen beads of sweat start trickling, and make up creases start forming, and mascara seems to be traveling…you are there. Make sure you pat, and not smear, or you’ll find her eyeshadow performing blush duty.
  19. You end off the dance with the Kallah  This is done by interlocking arms, spreading out and twirling at nausifying speeds. This is done regardless if the Kallah is the type, or has the energy or the stomach for it. Likewise for yourself. What are you three years old dancing and frolicking in the meadow?
  20. You stay for Mitzvah Tantz/ Sheva BrachosYou have no one to talk to, nothing to do but sit on the side and listen, but YOU ARE THERE.



Posted by on January 7, 2009 in Jewish, Weddings


Tags: , , ,

10 responses to “How to Know If You are a Close Friend of the Kallah: An Annotated Guide

  1. Something Different

    January 7, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    Love it!
    You forgot to mention the need to reapply your makeup after the chuppah because of the mascara running down your face.
    And the classmates all coming to ask you how your dealing.
    And making friendly conversation with the mother, the sisters, and sister-in-laws just to show that you know them. Running around with her neices and nephews and showing that they know you has a similar affect.

  2. halfshared

    January 7, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    Lol! By the way, about wearing long, I’ve been told for the last few years already that long is out and now everyone wears short. Thank G-d my friends got married when long was still in because that’s what I have!

  3. Princess Lea

    January 7, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    Hold up. The kallah has to give out her jewelry? To other people? Floating about unprotected?

  4. tembow

    January 7, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    great post!!
    Princess Lea: i never about the jewelry thing until that two years ago. it is a little funny to let your diamond ring just float around but hopefully your friends are careful! 🙂

  5. jennifer

    January 7, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    nobody took my jewelery by my wedding… hmmm, does that mean i have no real friends?(sniffle sniffle)

  6. jennifer

    January 7, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    oh, btw, sporadic, wholly enjoyable and entertaining post. I like when you do long ones…

  7. EndOfWorld

    January 8, 2009 at 6:12 am

    Glad to see you still had time to post, despite your frolic in the meadow

  8. NMF #7

    January 8, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    By the way- careful with the whole jewelry thing- many a kallah has lost a precious piece by entrusting it to several different people. Better just give it to one trustworthy person.
    Oh and to add a positive note- there is a special girl I know who always makes it her business to help the kallah at a wedding- no matter whether it is her best friend or not. She’s always there with a necessary cup of water, or a chair- not annoyingly, but tactfully. And, you know what? The kallah usually appreciates it.

  9. Chelsea

    January 8, 2009 at 10:13 pm

    Its funny…. cuz I also always thought that getting the jewlery of the kallah is a segulah for shidduchim, but I just went to a seminar…. And the lady speaking said that there is absolutely no source or anything that says this is so!!!!!
    She even added that no one should give away their jelwery before the chuppah for two reasons A) like NMF#7 says, sometimes things get lost or go missing B) sometimes breeds jealousy to those who didn’t get anything. She said, basically to just give it all to 1 trustworthy person to hold until after the chupah

  10. Es

    January 16, 2009 at 5:42 am

    very funny post!!! all SO true!


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