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Calorie Cancellation Consolation

12 Aug

In the world of girls, it is understood that there are certain foods and circumstances that simply don’t count in the world of calories. I’ve compiled all that I know (Thank you B.) If you have any more to contribute, please do. You will do justice to your existence on this earth.

 

No Calorie Foods and Circumstances

 

·        Food eaten between the hours of three and four in the morning; on the grounds of the ambiguity of which day the calories belong to

 

·        Cake and kugel shavings eaten in the name “to even it out”. Doing a mitzvah like that constitutes no calories in return

 

·        Cookie dough has no calories; the calories come from the oven while it’s baked. This especially applies to frozen cookie dough, because the molecules are so stiff, they can’t count.

 

·        Crumbs don’t count, they are non-beings

 

·        When you “taste” supper to see if it’s ready, No calories, no matter how many times you taste.

 

·        Any food eaten with copious amounts of water is null and void, because the water flushes it through you. (osmosis, or something like it)

 

·        Anything eaten after exercise comes off through sweat.

 

·        If you eat a bar of chocolate in small increments, each small piece has no calories. Therefore, you can eat a whole bar and still be “good”. (or really anything eaten in small amounts)

 

·        Anything eaten after a fast has no calories. No explanation necessary.

 

·        Anything eaten by more people than the recommended serving per container has no calories, so start sharing!

 

·        Anything eaten on Pesach. You are so limited as it is, the mental anguish negates all calories. So eat all the chocolate and matzah and cream cheese you want!

 

·        Food consumed on a date has no calories. Period.

 

·        Eating food off your niece’s/nephew’s/little sister’s/brother’s/child/grandchild’s plate is a mitzvah; you are preventing baal tashchis. Just make sure the person is a blood relative and younger than you, or else it doesn’t work. Not only does it not work, it’s gross.

 

·        Of course Shabbos food has no calories…the calories wait until after Shabbos to be digested, then they start counting!

 

·        Brachos Parties are beautiful, not only are you saving the world from every possible calamity, but obviously the food doesn’t count…it’s a mitzvah! Hello!

 

·        Eating to soothe someone’s ego…your friend’s (hard) chocolate cookies, you’re grandmother’s (clumpy) vegetable soup… this only applies to girls, hence the chosson’s new pot.

 

 

 

By implementing a few, but choiceful changes in your life, you can eat all day and never reach the magical 1500.

 

 

 

 

 

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4 Comments

Posted by on August 12, 2008 in Food

 

Tags: , , , ,

4 responses to “Calorie Cancellation Consolation

  1. wannabeshadchanit

    August 13, 2008 at 1:19 am

    lol
    awesome list

    how about:
    cereal, eaten by hand out of the box
    food, such as cookies, dropped by a toddler, that you find at the end of the day
    playdough

     
  2. Child Ish Behavior

    August 13, 2008 at 6:11 pm

    And here I thought it was the magical 2500. Which for argument’s sake can be rounded up to 3000. NO wonder I’m over weight. lol.

    Just so you know, what ever goes in has to be burned eventually or it turns to fat, or something like that.

    Unless you take one of those wonderful diet pills that have the same effect as all the things you listed, you can eat all you want as long as you pop a pill at the end it all doesn’t really count.

     
  3. tooyoungtoteach

    August 15, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    For a girl it should be 2000, but that just sounds like too much, so we aim for 1500 and land up somewhere in the 2200 range.

    For a guy…well…none of this applies, as my brother proudly texted me last night. “Five franks with buns, you jealous!” Eurgh!

     
  4. tooyoungtoteach

    August 17, 2008 at 11:56 pm

    I’d like to update the list, and add cake frosting/icing.
    It has zero calories on the principle that the cake is so much worse. If you can resist eating the cake and eat only the frosting, you should be rewarded!

     

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