In the world of girls, it is understood that there are certain foods and circumstances that simply don’t count in the world of calories. I’ve compiled all that I know (Thank you B.) If you have any more to contribute, please do. You will do justice to your existence on this earth.
No Calorie Foods and Circumstances
· Food eaten between the hours of three and four in the morning; on the grounds of the ambiguity of which day the calories belong to
· Cake and kugel shavings eaten in the name “to even it out”. Doing a mitzvah like that constitutes no calories in return
· Cookie dough has no calories; the calories come from the oven while it’s baked. This especially applies to frozen cookie dough, because the molecules are so stiff, they can’t count.
· Crumbs don’t count, they are non-beings
· When you “taste” supper to see if it’s ready, No calories, no matter how many times you taste.
· Any food eaten with copious amounts of water is null and void, because the water flushes it through you. (osmosis, or something like it)
· Anything eaten after exercise comes off through sweat.
· If you eat a bar of chocolate in small increments, each small piece has no calories. Therefore, you can eat a whole bar and still be “good”. (or really anything eaten in small amounts)
· Anything eaten after a fast has no calories. No explanation necessary.
· Anything eaten by more people than the recommended serving per container has no calories, so start sharing!
· Anything eaten on Pesach. You are so limited as it is, the mental anguish negates all calories. So eat all the chocolate and matzah and cream cheese you want!
· Food consumed on a date has no calories. Period.
· Eating food off your niece’s/nephew’s/little sister’s/brother’s/child/grandchild’s plate is a mitzvah; you are preventing baal tashchis. Just make sure the person is a blood relative and younger than you, or else it doesn’t work. Not only does it not work, it’s gross.
· Of course Shabbos food has no calories…the calories wait until after Shabbos to be digested, then they start counting!
· Brachos Parties are beautiful, not only are you saving the world from every possible calamity, but obviously the food doesn’t count…it’s a mitzvah! Hello!
· Eating to soothe someone’s ego…your friend’s (hard) chocolate cookies, you’re grandmother’s (clumpy) vegetable soup… this only applies to girls, hence the chosson’s new pot.
By implementing a few, but choiceful changes in your life, you can eat all day and never reach the magical 1500.