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Tag Archives: Shidduchim

Breaking the Mold

There’s the old metaphor of cookie cutters to describe a group of people that are all the same. It always made sense to me – the metaphor, I mean, not that all people should be the same.

I always wondered then, why shidduchim wasn’t easier, and why was there a shidduch crisis. If most people are from cookie cutter molds, why not just line the girls up in one row, boys in another, and viola, a match made in heaven! (or more like taken straight from the Queen of Sheba’s playbook) And then take the other people left and match them off to each other, they may take a little longer, but it would be a smaller pool do delve into and therefore easier to find the right match.

This conundrum bothered me tremendously, why couldn’t they just marry each other, why did things not always match up? I couldn’t understand, until two nights ago, when for the first time in my life, I used a cookie cutter.

Did you know that getting a perfect exact match from a cookie cutter mold is something best left to professionals, or people who really like to bake.

First you have to make sure the dough is evenly spread, so you don’t get some thin and some thick, then when picking up the cookie, there has to be enough flour underneath it so it doesn’t stick to the counter and get misshapen when you start tugging at it. And then when you try to remove the dough in between each cut out, make sure you do it neatly, and don’t take off some poor cookie’s tip, or accidently brush up against a cookie leaving a dent. Never mind that you have to have a good dough in the first place, so it doesn’t bubble get yuchy, and actually works well being rolled out and cut out, like chocolate chip cookie doughs don’t fare so well with the molds. And then when you’re transferring the cookie onto the sheet, make sure handle delicately so as not to leave and marks. Space it evenly so they don’t over crowd and get up on top of each other, they need their own space, and then make sure to bake them properly. Not too long, or they’ll be burned to a crisp, take care that cookies of the same thickness go together so they’ll bake evenly, or you’ll get some crispy some raw…and on and on this metaphor goes…make each stage apply to whatever variances in personality and child rearing there is…

And that’s why even a cookie cutter doesn’t guarantee drones, there are just way too many variables to account for in between.

Btw, despite all the issues I faced baking my linzer tarts, for a first attempt they came out pretty decent. Let’s hope I can say more for my first child.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on February 23, 2011 in Jewish, Parenting, Shidduchim

 

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How To Become Popular

Me: I got three phone calls about you in two days! Is there something about turning 23 that makes you more dateable?

Happy Single Friend: Ye, people feel guilty to make me sound less than perfect

 
1 Comment

Posted by on January 26, 2011 in Shidduchim

 

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Attending to Spaces

A long while ago Bad4 wrote a post about how she receives a lot wedding invitations, not based on popularity, but on marital status: the fact that she is single. She is invited so the kallah has people with a supposedly more flexible schedule and the kallah does not look like a social leper to her mother-in-law (that last line was mine).

In any case, I was talking to a friend of mine the other night (she’s happily single) and she wanted to know if she’s a terrible person.  After assuring her that she was one of the world’s most amazing people and she is in the running with Mother Theresa for the most altruistic woman award (at least that’s what I say when they call for info) I inquired as to why she, a most self confident woman, needed the affirmation.

“Grademate SoandSo is getting married tonight, and I’m too lazy to trek out to Williamsburg and attend.”

“That doesn’t make you terrible, just lazy,” I informed her.

“Well truth be told,” she continued. “Y’know that post from Bad4 that single girls get more invitation, it’s true, SoandSo would have never invited me otherwise. I think the last time I spoke to her was your wedding. Were you invited by the way?”

“Nope, I wasn’t ,” I replied. “But if you were, then I should have been, I have a lot more to do with her than you, we’re at least friends on Facebook. But I wasn’t invited because I’m married and therefore not expected to attend an acquaintance’s wedding. “

“So I’m really just there to take up space.” She concluded

“Ahh,” I said. “So you’re really just preserving your self-dignity, that you will not just be a pretty single girl to fill up a hall. Also following this logic, she’s not going to attend your wedding, because she’s married now, and now in another “league” so now you kinda don’t have to go to hers if she wouldn’t even think of reciprocating.”

“Exactly my thought when I called,” my friend said. “I’m not going in protest to my pride in receiving an invitation, and your pride in not receiving one!”

“So then I repeat my original sentiments, you are not terrible, in fact you a champion of single’s rights and sensitivities,” I proclaimed.

“Will you tell that the shadchanim?”

“Of course.”

“Then I’ll never get married.”

“Oh” [pause] “Can I blog about this?”

“Sure, you’re married.”

 
7 Comments

Posted by on January 17, 2011 in Humor, Jewish, Shidduchim

 

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The Futility of Secrets

There are Lamed Vav tzadikim nistarim; what happened to the women?

 This question was typical of the many very deep and philosophical conversations I have with my husband over dinner.

 We though quietly for moment and then decided we couldn’t speak for previous generations, but in today’s day it’s impossible to be a tzadekes nisteres (If that’s the right word for it)

 This is for the few simple reasons; let me edify you.

 With today’s shidduch crisis, if you’re a girl, and you have a good quality, you better broadcast in on Primetime TV (primetime? TV? What’s that?), not even to get an edge over other girls, but to be in contention at all. So even if you pride yourself on your clandestine charity work, I don’t suggest that you do so in this critical stage in life.

 Then if by rare chance, you made it though shidduchim without revealing your tzadekes status, getting your child into school will.

 You thought shidduchim competition was bad? Forget about it. Take any pride you may have had, get down on your hands and knees, beg, and grovel for your child to be accepted to your third choice school.

 If you don’t let them know what a beautiful, amazing, phenomenal person you and your husband are, how solid your yiddishkeit is, how Torah is the cornerstone of home, and that your chinuch is exactly on par with whatever the schools ideology is, short of performing miracles (on second though, performing miracles is not a bad idea) dream on about your child’s formal Jewish education.

 If on even the slim to nil chance you still did not have to reveal your lofty status….your children are back in shidduchim and you’re on display again…azoy geit dus.

 I’m sure there are some of you out there who may be insisting that you were able to maintain your covert charity. All I say to you is, You’re a Narcissistic Benefactor, a contradiction in terms, if there ever was one.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on December 2, 2009 in Jewish, Shidduchim

 

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Haveil Havalim – Or is it?

For those who cared to have notice, posts of mine have been featured in the past three Haveil Havalim, the latest one up at Here in HP, check it out.

 Ummm…I’m trying to figure out how I feel about it…well it’s flattering that my posts made it, but considering I’m the one who submitted it, not so much so. Tooting my own horn is a bit awkward for me, but if nobody will, I have to, to move myself forward.

 You don’t know how hesitant I was to submit my first post.

There’s the fear of rejection.

The fear of “do I measure up”.

The fear of being to too full of myself, arrogant, and boastful that I’m submitting my own piece

 …but then I did and it wasn’t so scary, and I was featured…three times…is that a reflection on my writing, or Haveil Havelim isn’t a really a standard?

 Going back to “tooting your own horn”, I wanted to know how people feel about that. Should people propel themselves forward by their own energy, or should let people do it for them…or course there’s a balance, but what is it? I’m really not comfortable with the idea of selling yourself…maybe that’s why I’m not so big on the whole shidduch information thing…

 In the meantime…I made it, apparently, so what’s the next step? Have I reached my zenith, or am I just holding myself back with self-doubt masking as modesty?

 
13 Comments

Posted by on February 15, 2009 in Jewish, Shidduchim

 

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Disengage

I’m writing this piece on behalf of my friend who would like this to serve as a public service announcement.

 I’m talking to you single girls out there (and I suppose myself), who intend on getting married through the shidduch dating system, and to engaged girls who are doubting their sanity.

 Engagement is not the blissful utopia everyone makes it out to be. It is a façade and institution foisted on single girls by married people, because if people really know what it’s like to be engaged, no one would get married.

 Ok, I’m talking very cryptically and ominously, let me put it in simple words.

 In shidduch dating, you know the guy ranging on average from 7-12 dates, and then you agree to marry him. You don’t know the guy from Adam, yet you are agreeing to cosign your life away, and you are SO happy about it. You wake up the next morning and you think.

 “Oh My God, what did I do, how soon can I return this diamond laden bracelet?!?!”

 And then later in the day you think,

 “Well, he’s kinda nice…and cute…and I sorta like him in a first impression type way…”

 And you’re ok for the time being.

 And then you go shopping with your mother, and she is all serious educating you on the different styles of linen, thread count, pattern blah blah blah, your logical brain once again rears and you respond emotionally (you are a woman after all) and want to start bawling and throw a tantrum.

 So yeah, that’s what really happens.

 But what us single girls see from our engaged friends is

 “Oh My G-d, He’s so cute…he told me…I bought him…We went…I love…”

 Unless you are completely shallow and stupid and flighty and have no idea what life is about, the previous statements will an Academy Award worthy performance. There will be moments that it is truly sincere, but you really cannot let the world know how much you are flipping out, and how much you are doubting, because HELLO, you are engaged, no more crises for you. You averted it, and you are on the way to living your own happily ever after.

 So if single girls knew what engaged friends were really going through, they wouldn’t be so hasty to join the bandwagon, and therefore it is very important that this show be longest running one ever.

 I wish I could be a Romantic and say there’s something wrong with my friend, but considering her and two other friends who got married recently, they all had their fair share of “moments”, and they are all different types. And yes, some have it worse than others, but everyone has them…and you will most probably still go through with the marriage and will most probably be happy and wonder years later what you were thinking…but during the engagement you will be a nervous choleria.

 So if you’re engaged, just know you’re normal and there’s nothing wrong with you. And those who still single, well, this is the picture, don’t pity yourself so much anymore and be nicer to your engaged friends.

 (I asked my friend to guest post this, and she declined…I don’t really know what I’m talking about because well, simply I’m not engaged and never was, I don’t really know the feeling. I did try some method acting techniques to put myself in the mindset though)

 
9 Comments

Posted by on January 31, 2009 in Shidduchim

 

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Urban Legends: Alive and Kicking

Everybody likes to hear a good shidduch story, so here’s a new one. You might have heard with slight modifications or variations, but this happened to my friend last night, so you’re only getting it third hand.

A shadchan called my mother’s friend and tells her that there is a gorgeous boy who is fabulously wealthy and what do you know, he’s  available. His mother wants two things for him, a raving beauty and parallel wealth. 

“Well you qualify for half of him,” I commented lightly to my friend. My friend laughed and continued.

The mother is willing to look away at my friend’s lack of means if she is a gorgeous as they say she is.

Pathetic, I know; it gets worse.

No, she doesn’t want to see a picture of her. She doesn’t want to meet her. She wants to go down to where my friend works and observe her. Beauty in Action.

 You know, my friend just might only be pretty when she’s standing still with a face forward profile. How does she look when she’s singing songs with her kids, doing arts and crafts and packing them up at the end of the day?

 And it gets worse.

 Her mother was maskim.

 
16 Comments

Posted by on January 19, 2009 in Shidduchim

 

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The Deception of a Crisis

I’m curious if this “law” is a phenomena exclusive to the Jewish Shidduch Dating system.

 

If a girl needs to lose 2 pounds quickly, just get her a date.

 

And if she needs to lose more weight, give her 3.

 

This works for up to 15 pounds.

 

Truth be told, I think this is the real source and reason why people keep crying “SHIDDUCH CRISIS!!!” in the streets.

 

There is no shidduch crisis.

 

The same amount of girls are getting married to the same amount of boys. They are actually getting married to each other! (at least that’s what my complex sociological calculations told me, although in today’s day, I may have reconsider). So there isn’t a shidduch crisis, but a dating crisis, that I will concede.

 

The problem with there being a dating crisis is that girls are missing out on a great quick fix for weight loss and that is just a shanda!

 
8 Comments

Posted by on January 1, 2009 in Shidduchim

 

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Reality Interrupts

Something Different wrote a great post about shidduchim titled “The Big But”. I recommend you all check out…I just want to add a little post-script to the post.

 

When people have “apparent” strikes against them in the realm of shidduchim, be it,

 

Physical Health issues

Mental Heath issues

Broken Families

Sibling off the derech

S/he was quasi off, but straightened him/herself out

No money

No looks

 

The skies the limit with “strikes”.

 

Everyone always gives the same chizuk,

 

-I t’s your nisayon

- It only takes one

- Your “strike” will be the answer

 

These may be the answers…and if you think about it, it makes sense. And five years down the road, it’ll all be resolved and water under the bridge for most people…but it’s very hard living your life, keeping it in mind, because reality interrupts and emotions rule logic. At least in Shidduchim it does.

 

 
1 Comment

Posted by on December 18, 2008 in Shidduchim

 

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Below Beauty and Brains (and maybe Brawn)

Tembow, you really set me off with your first post….so here’s more on it.

 

Throughout world history, civilization has always prized beauty in different way, shapes and forms (can you tell I’ve been tutoring someone on Global Regent essays)….

 

Ok, so this is how it is: We all like pretty things (some of us more than others).

 

When applying beauty to a person, beauty is not acquired; it’s something you are born with (yes, make-up does help a lot [I’m not even going near cosmetic surgery), but I’m just stripping this down to the basics). Therefore people are more inclined to like, appreciate, admire pretty people based on something the pretty person can take no credit for.

 

Some people say this is shallow.

 

People like pretty things, and will therefore seek them out…in the ultimate form: a spouse. Everyone wants a beautiful husband or wife…may not be top priority, but it’s something no one would say no to.

 

In any case, people are constantly berating these beauty seekers as being shallow and there is so much more to care about in a spouse, but you know what, I do the same thing in my own way.

 

I won’t date someone who is not smart – not book smart – but smart, hold up his end of an intelligent conversation.

 

The guy didn’t do anything for his brains; he was born with them. And the same way the pretty girl or guy enhances their beauty with clothes, accessories, and products, my smart boy enhances his brain by learning.

 

So why am I not shallow?

 

 

 

 

 
8 Comments

Posted by on December 12, 2008 in Jewish, Shidduchim

 

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