Of Apples and Oranges

Her tongue darted around the crevices of her mouth trying to dislodge the almonds that got wedged between gaped teeth. A finger finished off the last remnants; she looked at the morsel, and popped it back into her mouth. I thought she was totally gross for doing that, but then I caught myself doing the same thing last night – just with potato chips.

Please tell me potato chips are worthier for such treatment than almonds. Because I can’t be like her, can’t have the same mannerisms and rationale. It’s a good thing it wasn’t apples either of us were eating, because then even I’d feel the irony of “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.

Today’s Menu, Tomorrow’s Mincings

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What my kid ate for supper:

• 1/2 a fish stick
• 5 pieces of whole wheat pasta
• 1 tablespoon ketchup
• 1/2 slice cheese
• 6 pieces of whole wheat pasta with marinara sauce and cheese
• 2oz of orange juice
• ¼ of a yogurt

What my kitchen floor ate:

• 4 ½ fish sticks
• ½ cup whole wheat pasta
• ½ slice of cheese
• 2 cups of whole wheat pasta with marinara sauce and cheese
• 6oz of orange juice
• ¾ of a yogurt
• 1 challah roll slathered in cream cheese

I call him my anorexic kid. He plays with his food, swirls it around his plate, cuts it up, looks at it closely, but does not eat it.

He also doesn’t drink milk, hence the high dairy content to attempt a compensation. I tried giving it to him again the other day, he took a swig (after resisting for a half hour), held it in his mouth for a moment, then let it all dribble out like a madman onto the chair he was standing on – the chair with the spongy cushion, which will soon smell like spoiled milk.

The doctor says he’s underweight, even if everyone else thinks he’s a chubba-wubba.

Any suggestions?

Another Reason to Diet

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I hate tree hugger sand the ASPCA. I believe that the world is in the dominion of men and that we are a superior being than other mammals – or any other creature for that matter. With our intelligent reasoning (not just instinct) and our ability to communicate thoughts, emotions, and creative ideas, there’s an obvious difference between the intelligent make-up of man versus other animals.

That being said, I think I’m going all organic, natural, and possibly never eat protein again. After watching Food, Inc, a documentary on the Business of Food in this country, I’m quite horrified. Yes, I was aware of a lot of the issues it raised about corn, high fructose corn syrup, subsidies, fast food, unsanitary conditions in the meat industry, but, as the cliché goes, a picture is worth a thousand words.

Seeing cute peeping chicken (and I hate animals), shut away in the dark, some of them keeling over dead, their bodies unable to sustain its tremendous growth spurt due to the hormones in their feed. Many chickens just being able to plod for 2-3 steps, their bones, unable to support their weight, was a bit disturbing. And then there was a gimpy cow being pushed along the line to slaughter, ragged on because it was moving too slow, and then a stubborn cow, who refused to move, being practically mowed down and prodded along with one of those tractors with pitchforks at the end, meant to maneuver pallets of products.

So maybe a melted on the a bit on the cruelty thing, but then the insanitariness, G-d save us! Putting a face to the e-coli break outs was horrifying. I cried, maybe because I’m a mother, and it was a little 2 year old that died, and my son’s just a bit over one, and it’s scary, and there’s not that much preventative regulation, more like a reaction when there’s a problem. And that’s a BIG problem.

Part of me feels a bit safer, because I eat kosher meat and chicken, and the market is a much smaller scale. But really, who am I kidding, yes, I may be marginally safer than the mass population, but marginally safer is not safe.

And what is this junk that I’m putting into my body, all this corn. I mean , I love it fresh, but then I wonder now if I even know the real taste of fresh corn. All this corn junk, and the subsidizing that goes on (I’ve been railing against subsidies for years, so this part was right up my alley).

I’m just ranting a bit here, without that much substance, sort of working on the assumption that you already know what I’m talking about (and possibly watched the documentary too) – which is writing mistake 101. But I’m really disturbed.

Also, when I watched it, I tried to be objective, see the other side, as a business, as a profit, as capitalism. And you know what, while I understand capitalism, and supply and demand, that should not come at the consumers safeties expense, other expenses of the consumer, yes, safety, no.

When I chose to watch this, like I said, I knew a lot of what it was going to tell me, and I really didn’t want to watch it, because I didn’t want to change anything about my life (but there were no other interesting documentaries to watch – or that there were proper free links to online). Now I’m in turmoil, I did this to myself, but never mind. It’s an interesting watch, may get you up in arms about a few things (If you’re a Rubashkin supporter, you may get very upset about the injustice of his raid, based on the information about illegal workers working for Smithfield) maybe think for a few minutes, and maybe maybe even do something about it.

Below are links to the film, and some issues that it raises.

Film: Food, Inc

Kevin’s Law - Congress

Kevin’s Law - Background

 Monsanto – Agricultural Company Response to Film

Information Overload

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It’s a phenomena no one has ever been able to explain to me, but everyone believes it.

You know when you learn a new concept you never heard of before, then all of a sudden it keeps popping up in different areas in your life…where was it before?

Or you haven’t thought about, or heard from someone in ages, and then wham, the next few days they seem to crop up in surprising places, and you’re suddenly on overload from this person.

I can recall the first happening many times, just can’t remember any specific example other than one in 4^th grade. Our teacher taught us that bon appétit meant good appetite, or enjoy your food. I was fascinated by the French words, and wanted to impress my family with my newfound sophistication. I was disappointed though because as my mother served supper that night, she said something she never did before – ingenious guess on your part in you thought she said “bon appétit”. So that was the phenomena presenting itself as a concept.

But I had the latter situation, with a person just over Shabbos and Sunday. A friend, we’ll call her Shprintzy, that I haven’t heard from or thought about in eons, came up by the Shabbos table. Or actually her brother did, apparently he’s friends with my brother in laws friend and my brother in law mentioned something that my friend’s brother did, which reminded me of my friend (hope you’re not getting too confused with the friend’s of friend’s).

Then on Sunday this friend actually called me.

And then later Sunday night, I was talking to a different friend, and she randomly asks me,

“Have you spoken to Shprintzy lately?”

Seriously, what is up?

Have you ever experienced this?

Marital Fued (food)

I love pizza, yogurt, tacos, coffee, onions, hot pepper, cumin and tomatoes. My husband likes pizza and can tolerate yogurt (in theory) everything else on the aforementioned list is nuclear waste to him: dangerous and garbage.

It’s really normal for people to have different palates and preferences when comes to taste (and smell, we all know the chazal), and I’m not complaining about that…what I am complaining about, well not complaining, but raising a point. Why do I, and most women cook for their husbands taste and not their own?

Yes, of course we want to please out husbands and make them happy. Keep them contented and full, but seriously, I can’t remember the last supper I made with me as top priority. I’d like kid myself that I am just that giving of a wife, but honestly I’m not.

Maybe, I suppose it’s easier to make sacrifices on your own part then expect someone else to do it for you. (Yes, food is a big sacrifice)

I mentioned this to my husband, he heard my point and encouraged me to make supper for myself, this very night.

“Tacos?” I suggested brightly.

“Whatever you want,” he chided.

I perked up, wow, this was beautiful martial giving at work, I knew I married a great guy! “I’m not gonna be home for supper tonight, R’s sheva brachos, remember.” He finished.

Maybe it’s really just that the old adage is right, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” and deep down we instinctively know it’s true, and follow through accordingly.

Whatever the psychology is, I’m having cereal and milk for supper tonight.

My Life: In Verse

I found some notes I took at a Literacy seminar over the summer.

 

The speaker had us quickly jot down where we found poetry in our lives.

 

This is what I wrote:

 

My hate the world days

Standing by a friends chupah

Insomniac night wishing I could fall asleep

The things I do to procrastinate

The silent moments between friends

The awkwardness of first impression

Taking off new shoes that hurt so much but look so good

Walking away from a tiff and coming up with the perfect retort a moment later

Watching a storm from safety of my window

Cold fingers that are outside my blanket holding my book

The anticipatory moment before I eat something

Waking up to the smell of brewed coffee

 

Where is the poetry in your life?

Melave Malka Mincings

My school had a Melave Malka last night, fascinating sociological observations.

 

First off, there are a few rules concerning how one is allowed to procure food

 

1)     Never go alone. You must go with at least one other person, even if she just stands next to you without making any motions to take food herself. (If you go by yourself you must be a fat loser…or you will be soon)

2)     Figure out the proportions of your plate – the salad must be taking up more place than the pasta. You can spread the salad thin, and compact the pasta, so really you have more pasta than salad – it’s alright, as long as it looks like you have more salad.

3)     You cannot go back more than 2x’s. Period.

4)     If you go back more than once, you must take a new plate. Carrying a used plate makes you look gluttonous.

5)     Do not be over eager for food. This means waiting your turn, letting people ahead of you, even if they finish off what you really wanted.

6)     You must whine about how much you ate, and how fat you are before each food you serve for yourself

 

Second, I was able to identify the different types of personalities and their expression in the dance form.

 

1)     The uninhibited crazy dancer – she doesn’t necessarily have the best moves or grace, but she makes up for it in exuberance and shrieks.

2)     The overconfident cocky girls who know all the organized dance sequences and execute them methodically with perfection.

3)     The in-between girl. She’s relatively uninhibited, but she has little rhythm, and just following the steps a second after everyone else started it. She’s constantly looking at others and herself to make sure she’s keeping pace.

4)     The girls who dance and try, but they hold back, unsure and end up looking stupid because they don’t commit. They think they’re preserving their dignity and poise, but they really end up looking as self-conscience as they are.

5)     The girls who stand on the side- too cool, say it’s stupid, say they can’t really express/dance the way they want to because the principals are watching, but they really wish they could just let go of their inhibitions.

6)     The girls who clean up.

7)     The girls who stay home.

 

And then there was me, getting a premature experience.

 

I now know what it’ll be like in about 30 years, standing around at my niece’s, nephew’s, friend’s daughter/son’s wedding watching from the sidelines commenting.

 

Boring.

The Losers Loss

Don’t lose weight.

 

Yes, I know the entire world is harping on obesity and that you should exercise and eat right or you will die (yawn).  What you should also know is that you have more to lose than losing weight, when if and how you lose it.

 

1)     Food tastes good. Period. When you diet, you eat less food, and thereby you voluntarily removed happiness from your life. And even if you go on Weight Watcher which lets you eat everything, the only reason they let you eat everything is because the assign a gadrillion points to the good stuff and hope you’ll choose rabbit food, just so you can eat more (even though you’re probably better off eating those cookies and starving the rest of the day because celery just doesn’t cut it)

 

2)     You’ll have to buy new clothes. I know this sounds like a good thing, but it’s really not. You have your wardrobe now, you like it, it’s you. You spent good time and money adjusting it to your taste, and yes, that black dress does fit you too perfectly, in a good way. There will be no such thing as favorite sweater; maybe it can be your new favorite bag. And considering the economy, you really cannot afford a new wardrobe that is up to your standards

 

3)     You will ruin your self esteem. No one thinks you’re fat. Yes, we can all probably drop 5 pounds, but you’re not morbidly obese. When you lose weight, all of a sudden everyone will tell you “Wow, you look amazing, how much did you lose…” and you will come away from that exchange with the thoughts…what did I look like before, and you will go home and cry and write in your diary “I am ugly”. You’re better off not knowing what you looked like before by making no after in the first place.

 

4)     People will stop complimenting you. When you are of average size, people look out for you. They want to make you feel good, because they want you to reciprocate, because they feel connection, solidarity between the two of you. People have expectations of skinny people. They don’t feel that solidarity, and assume that your perfectly matched ensemble happened by itself. They think you don’t need the compliment, or acknowledgment, especially not from them, because skinny people are their own breed. Only skinny people can compliment skinny people.

 

5)     Skinny people have no personality. They don’t need one because they are skinny. Although I’m sure won’t need your personality when you’re skinny, you will miss it, and if you don’t everyone else you know will and they will start looking for it, and in their desperate search they will abandon you and you will be left alone and friendless, but you will be skinny, so I’m not sure if that matters.

6)  And for you girls where besides for weight, everyone is harping on tznius…skinny people can’t get away with anything. When you are skinny everyone is looking for your collarbone and knees (well, they are little more obvious). Everyone gives fat and average people a free pass. They get that collars needs to be little lower to accommodate your girth. And clothes aren’t tight, they are just tailored for your frame for maximum effect…It’s hard to find someone calling an average girl a “prutzah”, skinny girls come with label and have to prove that it doesn’t apply.

 

In all honesty, I just lost 10 pounds. My clothes don’t fit, and my sisters and friends are already calling dibs. I like my clothes…and they just might be worth 10 pounds.

Pithy Pumpkins

Families never let anyone live anything down, especially if it concerns your “future”.

 

A very long time ago (meaning 6 years ago), I burned a pot. A fish pot, to be exact. Oh, and the fish inside of it. The pot was incapacitated, and the fish thrown out. My family made fun me the entire Shabbos.

 

“….Hmmm, fish looks good 2yng2tch…”

 

“2yng2tch, you don’t forget when the new HP book is coming out do you”

 

“I feel for your husband.”

 

“If you pay me, I won’t tell anyone when they call for info on you” (never mind I was 14)

 

They weren’t particularly witty, pithy or smart, but they made their point.

 

And even though I haven’t burned a pot since, anytime I cook or bake anything (generally hard, complicated stuff), someone feels the need to say,

 

“Remember when 2yng2tch burned the pot?!, I feel for her husband!”

 

This happened yesterday after everyone “Oohed and Aahhed and Yummed” over my pumkin pie (yes, I know wrong Holiday)

 

I get it, I do. (The reason they feel the need to remind me, not that I get that I messed up 6 years ago [it doesn’t take me that long to “get” something])

 

But seriously if all you’re going to do is remember something obsolete, at least make it funny, sharp, or even snort-worthy.

Blasphemous Bikurim

On Shabbos my younger brother gave over a short d’var torah in typical question answer format.

 

Q: When people brought bikurim, the rich brought it in gold baskets, the poor straw. The Kohanim would give back the gold baskets and keep the straw. Why?

 

I came up with several reasons, some serious, some not

 

-         -Show the rich people that they’re not so hoity toidy and “we don’t need your gold baskets”, appreciating the value of the simple straw style

 

-         It was the Bais Hamidash, there was no shortage of gold, but something simple like straw people overlooked and therefore the Kohanim took the straw they needed and returned the gold they didn’t

 

-         Or plain old, to let us ask this boring questions, to pontificate at length, come up with boring long-winded answers when it’s really something simple and obvious.

 

The answer actually is,

When the rich presented their bikurim, the Kohanim would take it out of the basket and show off the beautiful tithes. They didn’t want to embarrass the poor people with their puny offerings, so they just relieved them of the bikurim, basket and all.

 

We’re supposed to be impressed by this display of sensitivity.

 

I wasn’t

And I argued back

 

 

-         It’s not sensitivity, in fact it’s worse. It’s labeling the poor man. Why not just NOT display the rich man’s and keep his stupid gold basket

 

-         They’re assuming that because someone is poor he can’t have a good crop. Poor people can have a nice crop, just smaller. Like wise, the rich man doesn’t necessarily have a good crop, like juicy grapes, he just has a lot of them and sells them to the raisin makers.

 

-         Also if the guy has gold baskets, he can afford to lose one a year. If the guy’s poor and has – heaven forbid- straw baskets, he probably needs them. Straw doesn’t grow on trees (they grow on the ground )

 

-         Additionally they are minimizing the contribution of the poor man, and lauding the one of the rich man, when really their money, or lack of, has nothing to do with them, but the lot Hashem gave them. Why point that out, and make it a factor of appreciation, when it has nothing to do with the individuals accomplishments.

 

-         We are always being sensitive to inanimate objects, the challah by kiddush, Moshe, to the earth and water. Why are they not sensitive to straw versus gold? They are making an obvious preference and placing a value over one to the other. Isn’t that a little insulting, embarrassing, belittling, and insensitive to the straw?

 

 

I went on and on.

 

I think I make a lot of sense. But the thing is, it wasn’t like the way I think it should be and the reason my brother gave still stands as their intention.

 

It’s one thing for me to challenge current opinion or something theoretical, but I’m going after the very paradigm I seek to recreate. So therefore I’m feeling a little sacrilegious, and blasphemous. I’m sure if I asked someone to clarify it, it will be, but right now I’m lazy and a little dissent feels good.