Tag Archives: baby

The ONLY Exception to the Rule

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It is the human lot to exaggerate. We always wait for forever, repeat things a million times, and we’d never ever do [that]. It’s ok really, all this pseudo –lying; we all do it, and we all don’t believe each other for a second. We take whatever the other person said and scale it down appropriately. Forever becomes 5-10 minutes, a repetition of a million is also probably in the number 5 range. And the thing we’d NEVER do, well, sometimes that is a never, but most people have a price or warranting circumstance that can change that never to “….well, maybe, sorta…once..twice..”

There is one circumstance life where people are not exaggerating, no matter how far-fetched, improbable, and seemingly impossible their claim may be, and that is in regard to parenting, particularly a newborn.

Yes, I held my baby the entire day.

No, he did not stop crying, not for a moment.

Yes, I changed his diaper 20 times today.

And yes, I was up the entire night with him.

And no, this was not a one-time phenomenon; this is standard operation.

I’m not exaggerating.

Yes, I know you are conditioned to minimize anything anyone says by 20, but you should probably inflate mine; I think I may be downplaying it to come across as a semi functioning person.
So you can continue to doubt and reduce the implications of what anyone, or I say regarding anything (“I love that song, I could listen to it all day…I hate her and will never forgive her…They’re bajillionaires…”) Remember there is one topic that is irreproachable, and don’t ask me to repeat myself, I barely have energy to eke out this kvetch once.

And Many Miles to Go Before I Sleep

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My mother tells me it’s time for a new blog post. She’s bored of visiting my blog, disappointed when she sees nothing new. I told her to set up a Google reader account to save her the agmas nefesh. Forget about setting it up being too difficult for her, she didn’t really understand its function when I tried explaining it. But never mind that.

I agree with my mother, it is time for a new blog post. And I have a lot to say – I’m just too busy doing nothing to say it. Nothing is relative of course. I spend most of my day tending to my adorable, but perpetually cranky baby. Or I’m in bed sleeping. Some old adages are right and smart – Sleep when the baby sleeps.
So the adage works with your first kid, but when you have a kid running around it’s not so easy to say,

“Ooh yay, the baby shtunker is finally sleeping – I’ll pop in for a nap – if that’s ok with you E – don’t break my china teacups like you almost did yesterday, k?”

Well, I suppose it’s easy to say, not to do.

So…I’m a little homebound and going out of my mind. I went to the park in my complex a few days this week. The other women looked at me in wonderment – what was I doing outside?!! And I was thinking, Oh G-d I can’t believe it took me this long to get outside. Seriously, I don’t think I was outdoors for a week after I had the baby. And besides cranky babies magically shut up outside – nature’s best.

It’s only three weeks, and it feels like months (well, when your night turn into days, and days nights and there’s a point where you can’t differentiate between the two because you’re too busy pacing your hallways, arms jiggling, trying to calm a baby, time seems to pass Reeeeeeeally slowly.) I don’t even remember what it feels like to be pregnant – yes, I did just write that. I don’t remember, there’s too much overriding it.

I taught Macbeth this year; I didn’t think I could ever relate to him, but I do now: Act II Scene II

“Macbeth: Methought I heard a voice cry ‘Sleep no more!”

So bear with me, while I bear with my baby.

PSA: Don’t Be Jealous – Be Nice

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Dear Other Pregnant Woman, and anyone who has ever been pregnant,

A lot of you are jealous of me. I wore a top today that is a Gap size small, and I’m due – soon. Yes, I appreciate carrying small, but many of you fail to realize that I still experience all of the discomforts of pregnancy – and some more, because of my “neat little package”.

Did it occur to you, that because my belly isn’t protruding as much as yours, that I could possibly be in more discomfort? My baby’s an average size – 7lbs, at least that what the doctor told me on Friday. A small belly, doesn’t mean small baby, it just means less space, ergo my internal organs are getting shmooshed. I am constantly digging legs out of my ribs, losing my breath, and running to the bathroom – even if I just exited it. I lose my balance because my baby seems to enjoy plucking at my leg’s nerves like it’s jamming session, and makes them give way randomly. (This is besides for the excessive heartburn, need to wear compression stockings, and other fun pregnancy side-effects)

Also, because I don’t look like I’m due for another trimester, people don’t treat me like a heavily pregnant woman – which I am. Nobody offers me a seat, or a drink. Nobody hesitates to ask things of me that require me to get up, bend, and well, be considerably active. Nobody thinks that insomnia, cockade baby sleep patterns have hit yet, so they call early, and late, without consideration.

People – I am VERY pregnant. I am in A LOT of discomfort. Please, be nice to me, and stop saying in sweet (but very obviously envious voices)

“But you’re carrying so small!”