Window to the Soul

The fish was orange, and had two thin diagonal lines running through its body in white. It swam easily, and agilely, swooping down to nudge at pebbles on the bottom, then darting upward to nibble at the flakes, Scott had just sprinkled in. I watched it for a few moments; it was pretty. Then it turned its body 360 degrees, and I got to take in its entire being; the left eye was missing, looking like a craft where a bored child scraped away a googly eye. No longer was I an admirer, but more of the can’t-look-away-but-it’s-gross observer.

Scott had been watching me all along, watching me, watch it. He saw what I finally saw, and laughed at my horror and disgust. He patted lightly at his hair, an unnecessary motion; it was perfect, as always.

“I think that’s the same reaction people have when they see the full me.” He winked.

I nodded, not sure of how this game was played and waited for him to start again.

“So you need a loan,” he said making money gestures. I nodded again and waited.

“You know my terms?” Another nod.

He chuckled and pointed toward the one-eyed fish.

“So you got already the full view.”

My stomach dropped, as I nodded again, accepting the horror behind the benevolent smile, and the possibility of becoming uni-orbed myself.

No Butts About It – I’m Talented

I Think They’re Laughing at Me

A while back I revealed my most creative and inventive side when I wrote about my ability to make up new, phonologically basedlyrics to songs.

The post was in reference to 8th Day’s Yalili. I’ve yet to resolve that lyrical conundrum, I still hear them singing “bet your bottom” with no “Im Yertziah Hashem” in sight. Regardless, I have a new one, once again courtesy of 8th day.

When I first heard the song “By My Side”, I couldn’t understand why they would want to lose their mainstream audience with the lyrics they had chosen. No self-respecting Bais Yaakov girl would sing such a song, Yeshiva bochur,yes, girl, no.

To my ear, the song went,

Rivers have come to surround me // To cool me and bring me down // Rivers have come to surround me // to turn my butt around.

Why would they use a word like butt? Yes, it fit, but really, is that one word worth a reputation?

I mentioned this to my sister, who looked at me incredulously, and of course burst out laughing.

“The word is BOAT, you tuchas!!”

Ooh BOAT!

The ONLY Exception to the Rule

It is the human lot to exaggerate. We always wait for forever, repeat things a million times, and we’d never ever do [that]. It’s ok really, all this pseudo –lying; we all do it, and we all don’t believe each other for a second. We take whatever the other person said and scale it down appropriately. Forever becomes 5-10 minutes, a repetition of a million is also probably in the number 5 range. And the thing we’d NEVER do, well, sometimes that is a never, but most people have a price or warranting circumstance that can change that never to “….well, maybe, sorta…once..twice..”

There is one circumstance life where people are not exaggerating, no matter how far-fetched, improbable, and seemingly impossible their claim may be, and that is in regard to parenting, particularly a newborn.

Yes, I held my baby the entire day.

No, he did not stop crying, not for a moment.

Yes, I changed his diaper 20 times today.

And yes, I was up the entire night with him.

And no, this was not a one-time phenomenon; this is standard operation.

I’m not exaggerating.

Yes, I know you are conditioned to minimize anything anyone says by 20, but you should probably inflate mine; I think I may be downplaying it to come across as a semi functioning person.
So you can continue to doubt and reduce the implications of what anyone, or I say regarding anything (“I love that song, I could listen to it all day…I hate her and will never forgive her…They’re bajillionaires…”) Remember there is one topic that is irreproachable, and don’t ask me to repeat myself, I barely have energy to eke out this kvetch once.

And Many Miles to Go Before I Sleep

My mother tells me it’s time for a new blog post. She’s bored of visiting my blog, disappointed when she sees nothing new. I told her to set up a Google reader account to save her the agmas nefesh. Forget about setting it up being too difficult for her, she didn’t really understand its function when I tried explaining it. But never mind that.

I agree with my mother, it is time for a new blog post. And I have a lot to say – I’m just too busy doing nothing to say it. Nothing is relative of course. I spend most of my day tending to my adorable, but perpetually cranky baby. Or I’m in bed sleeping. Some old adages are right and smart – Sleep when the baby sleeps.
So the adage works with your first kid, but when you have a kid running around it’s not so easy to say,

“Ooh yay, the baby shtunker is finally sleeping – I’ll pop in for a nap – if that’s ok with you E – don’t break my china teacups like you almost did yesterday, k?”

Well, I suppose it’s easy to say, not to do.

So…I’m a little homebound and going out of my mind. I went to the park in my complex a few days this week. The other women looked at me in wonderment – what was I doing outside?!! And I was thinking, Oh G-d I can’t believe it took me this long to get outside. Seriously, I don’t think I was outdoors for a week after I had the baby. And besides cranky babies magically shut up outside – nature’s best.

It’s only three weeks, and it feels like months (well, when your night turn into days, and days nights and there’s a point where you can’t differentiate between the two because you’re too busy pacing your hallways, arms jiggling, trying to calm a baby, time seems to pass Reeeeeeeally slowly.) I don’t even remember what it feels like to be pregnant – yes, I did just write that. I don’t remember, there’s too much overriding it.

I taught Macbeth this year; I didn’t think I could ever relate to him, but I do now: Act II Scene II

“Macbeth: Methought I heard a voice cry ‘Sleep no more!”

So bear with me, while I bear with my baby.