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Monthly Archives: April 2012

Instead of the Concession Phone Call

A long time ago, I became friends with Jennifer. You know Jennifer, she leaves nice comments on this blog, and makes me feel like someone is actually listening to my drivel.

It’s a funny story how we became friends. Well, not really funny, ha ha, but more like, unlikely. She wasn’t my type, I wasn’t hers (still is that way). Aside for “types” we really have a lot in common, reading, writing, drawing, Harry Potter and a wicked sense of humor (well, mines not that awesome, her’s is).

She was G.O., main part in play, nah, I shouldn’t tell you that about her, you’ll get the wrong picture, thinking she was this uber-glamorous, popular charmer who we all secretly hated. No, Jennifer, was – no still is, one of the nicest, kindest people I know. Can never say no to anyone. Really generous, sweet, smart, eager, and all those kind of qualities, the REAL nice girl qualities, she also happens to be super-talented, but it’s so by the way with her, that we were able to forgive her her awesomeness.

Anyway, in 9th and 10th grade, while I frittered away class time, sleeping, making extraneous bathroom trips, and being an overall failure, Jennifer diligently took notes, answered questions, and was of course a model student. Except when she wasn’t – which was when she was writing stories with me. We’d write a paragraph or two, and pass ‘em back and forth, waiting to see what twist the other one threw, stretching the imagination. A lot of them were Harry Potter fan-fics, and we once wrote a story that was a lot like Mean Girls, but Mean Girls hadn’t come out yet – it did later, and I felt cheated of intellectual property, but never mind that. We wrote a lot stuff; it was fun, we each have some of it stashed somewhere in our parents’ houses. And we made a bet, with no real stakes, just a mental competition, of who would publish a book first.

Well, this past Thursday, Jennifer won. “Not My Kind, I Don’t Mind” published by IsraelBookshop, available online and in Judaica stores is written and sorta illustrated by Jennifer (she made all the clay figures, and then a graphic artist placed them nicely on the page).

“Not My Kind, I Don’t Mind”, is a really cute story about acceptance and love, with a nice moral at the end, a moral that I learned in 9th grade when I became friends with Jennifer. Maybe if the book had been around when I was growing up, I’d have made friends with Jennifer a little earlier instead of moping around with an attitude problem.

Check out the book, and even better, buy and enjoy it!

It being a success will keep my ego in check ;)

 
9 Comments

Posted by on April 30, 2012 in Slice of Life, Writing

 

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Chicago Bulls – 1 Me – 0

Scoreboard-GSIS

Scoreboard-GSIS (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Derrick Rose is injured. Tore his left ACL to be exact. Don’t know what an ACL is, but I do know what it means for me: a grumpy husband.

I never cared about sports. All I ever said was “Go New York!” let the NY teams do well, but otherwise I was none the wiser. The Rangers had their moments while I was growing up, so did the Knicks, the Yankees have had mostly highs, I think, so at least there was always one team to take pride in.

I never listened to a game, cited stats, or knew any name past the ones my brother’s pretended to be while playing whatever sport – outside:

Hockey – Mark Messier, Patrick Roi, and Wayne Gretsky,
Basketball – Michael Jordan (yes, I know he’s not NY, but who didn’t want to be Michael), Patrick Ewing, and whoever else starred in Space Jam,
Baseball – Derek Jeter is coming to mind
Football – ummm Joe Namath?

On our first date, I asked my husband what guys did for hobbies.

“Some of the oilam follow sports,” he answered sheepishly.

“Do you?” I followed up.

“A little,” he replied.

I don’t think I want to know what he considers an avid sports fan to be.

I’ve since become acquainted with the starting line-up of every Chicago team. And besides for that, I’ve also come to care. I check sports news updates, text 4- info for scores, read random sports tidbits on Yahoo news. Not that I care about the sports for the sake of the sport, but I care about my husband, and our marriage.

When the Bulls win or the Bears make a good trade, is a night I can easily say,

“Honey, can you wash the dishes, bathe the baby, and buy me a Hermes scarf?”

When Jay Cutler injured his thumb, and yesterday when Derrick Rose tore his ACL, those were not nights to burn dinner, poke fun at his family, or reveal any indication of happiness on earth.

Chicago teams – YOU SHTUNKY !!! (as my kid would say)

My husband gave up on the Cubs two years ago, finally. But the rest of the teams, the Bulls, Bears, and BlackHawks. Please stop teasing him. Stop doing well, and then choking, or conveniently getting yourselves injured at the end of the season.

I’ve been eyeing a few choice items, and you keep screwing it up!

 
8 Comments

Posted by on April 29, 2012 in Humor, Slice of Life

 

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Of Apples and Oranges

Česky: Jablka jsou všeamericky úspěšná potravi...

Her tongue darted around the crevices of her mouth trying to dislodge the almonds that got wedged between gaped teeth. A finger finished off the last remnants; she looked at the morsel, and popped it back into her mouth. I thought she was totally gross for doing that, but then I caught myself doing the same thing last night – just with potato chips.

Please tell me potato chips are worthier for such treatment than almonds. Because I can’t be like her, can’t have the same mannerisms and rationale. It’s a good thing it wasn’t apples either of us were eating, because then even I’d feel the irony of “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on April 24, 2012 in Parenting, Uncategorized

 

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My Kid?….Never

The longer I am a mother I find myself becoming less judgmental against my will.

The first time I ever really paid attention to kids was when I was young and pregnant. I made a lot of keen observation and said brilliant things like,

“Runny noses on kids are disgusting – my kid will never be seen with one”

“If you give your kid junk, of course they’ll never want real food. No garbage food in my house.”

“Palm trees on little boys, or little girls, look retarded, not cute. My kid will never have one, proper pinning will do.”

“Leave your kid at home if he’s going to have a tantrum when you’re shopping. And if you have to bring him along, set up boundaries before so he’s not shrieking and scaring all the women to resume birth control. Besides, only spoiled kids have tantrums.”
Suffice it to say, I don’t judge mothers in the above predicaments anymore.

  • I’d prefer a happy child with a runny nose than one wiped raw, and crying.
  • I beg my child every morning to please drink chocolate milk – he needs the calcium and calories!
  • As for palm trees, they’re still ugly as sin, but now my kid can see. And bobby pins, or sort of clip of elastic holder short of the tiny rubber ones, are untimely ripped from my kid’s hair – courtesy of my kid of course.

And the last – well I’ve only learned the opposing side of this one two days ago.

I brought my son to Wal-Mart to pick up a few odds and ends, and his Afikomin presents. He’s only 20 months, and he wanted everything. When we tried gently lead him away he started shrieking, in his high pitched voice.

“I WANNIE! I WANNIE!! I WANNIE!!!”

And he wailed, and cried, his voice went raw; I thought he was being tortured. This was my son. I never knew he was capable of this. Pathetically, I stood there, not making any eye contact, keeping my voice ultra-smooth. But seriously, he had lost it, thrashing his arms, gnashing his teeth, all the clichés.

I tried picking him up, when of course he picked his hands up and made his shoulders loose, so a proper grip was difficult. I tried again, wrapping my arms around his waist, his mantra then changed to,

I NO WANNIE, I NO WANNIE, I NO WANNIE!!!”

After about 5 minutes I was able to successfully distract him, but now I was mess.

My kid? A freakin tantrum? In Wal-Mart?

For those mothers out there, you know – It happens.

For those of you still saying “My kid will never” statements – enjoy your naiveté.

 

 
4 Comments

Posted by on April 17, 2012 in Humor, Parenting, Slice of Life

 

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An Almost Shameless Attempt

My article about my W108 featured on WordPress...

Two posts I read recently on Freshly Pressed, either begged to be featured, or bemoaned the fact that they would never be featured. So based on wonderful statistics, odds and averages (2 posts out of how many?) I’m going to try the same schtick.

Dear Freshly Pressed,
Please feature me. I’m not particularly talented, nor is this post particularly insightful. Nor is it witty, intriguing, fresh, provocative, or any other word associated with good writing. What it is, is desperate. I’m desperate for attention. So desperate, I’m actually admitting this, as my motive (not the ulterior one). Or maybe I’m just such a self-aware, evolved person that I will not lie to myself, or others.

All I’m looking for is for a buncha people to read my post, like it, and a bunch others to write so many comments, that I, the blogger herself, won’t have patience to read till the end, and will be severely deterred to comment back. (I always have this with Freshly Pressed posts, too many comments, and likes, that I don’t even bother with my own two cents – for people who’ve already been Freshly Pressed, take heart in that I’m sure that there are many others out there like me [I’m so self-aware, I can admit I’m not unique without crying] and you are probably owed a few more likes and comments).

Ok, I’m done whining, rambling, and otherwise looking like a desperate fool. Now it’s your turn people of Freshly Pressed, give me a self-esteem.

(And the only way I have the guts to post something as self-serving and pathos-evoking as this is my knowledge that this is an experiment. And of course to make sure you know that I’m not as self-centered, focused and attention seeking as I sound I have to put in this parenthetical disclaimer.)

 
4 Comments

Posted by on April 15, 2012 in Humor, Writing

 

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The Academic versus The Ego

The entire class was huddled together on the itchy patch of commercial carpet in the kindergarten classroom. Our heads craned upward, captivated, watching our teaching tell us all about the wonderful, stupendous, and incomparable letter “C”.

“Ka,” she enunciated the hard sound. “Can anyone think a word that starts with this sound?” All around me, girls raised their hands quickly.

“Candy.”

“Coat.”

I didn’t have any word, or was really sure as to the letter “c”, but they got approving smiles, along with a “Good Job”, and “Excellent”.

I just wanted attention and approval. I raised my hand high, and “oohed” the loudest.

She called on me.

I was so happy. A deep breath, wild and frantic thought for a word, any word, and I said,

“Pizza!”

She said the right thing,

“Good try, Esther, but that’s a ‘p’, not a ‘c’” and she moved onto the next kid.

But her face.

Her face, of course, told me otherwise. With lips twisted in a hidden smirk, right brow slightly raised, it plainly said,

“Seriously? A ‘p’ for a ‘c’? Moron.”

The teacher’s comment on my end-of-the-year report card read.

Esther is very withdrawn in class, it has not impacted her academic performance, but it is of concern, relative to her social interactions with her peers. We will be noting it, and keeping an eye on her progress.

I know “Lo habeishan lomed” (the bashful does not learn), but for me, I think Fiero of “Wicked” had it right when he sang, “Those who don’t try, never look foolish”.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on April 10, 2012 in Memoir, Writing

 

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My New (5 Letter Word – Interest)

I’ve taken up crossword (7 letter word: Enigmas). I’m not that good. And I sort of cheat sometimes, I think of an (8 letter word: Answer)  and then check to see if I’m (5 letter word: Correct) before I pen it in (yes, I know I’m supposed to use a pencil). I still feel (11 letter word: Smart), and I fool myself into thinking that one day I’ll be (6 letter word: Consuming) Sunday brunch with Will Shortz’s genius all deciphered (6 letter word: Ante) I finish my first coffee. In the meantime, Crossword Puzzle Fun for the Entire Family, is keeping my neurons (6 letter word: Downsizing). (3 letter word: Not Me) envy my [6 letter word: Brain], I know.

Can you fill in the Blanks?

 
6 Comments

Posted by on April 1, 2012 in The Sporadic Side

 

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