Top Ten Annoying People

Top Ten People Who Annoy Me

10) “How much did you pay, I got it cheaper” people.  (number one, it’s rude to ask people how much they paid, number two, thank you for making me feel like an imbecilic consumer, even if you did get your deal by finagling points, coupons opening a new account, and your friend’s credit card cash-back .)

9)People who talk too much, have one-sided conversations and don’t let you get  a word in edgewise. (There’s no room on the line to expound…)

8) People who quote everyone else’s opinions but have none of their own (Yes, there are a lot of people holier and smarter and more experienced than the two or three of us having this conversation, but, I’m talking to you, no them, what do YOU think.)

7) Kids between the ages of 3-4 (It’s an in-between non-cute stage, where they don’t know enough to be smart, but they know enough to annoy the heck outta you)

6) Kids between the ages of 7-12 (They’re old enough to have personalities and opinions , but they’re too young to be witty, funny, cute, or anything positive. It’s just another in between annoying stage on the process of becoming a person)

5) People who tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about (don’t tell what I know or don’t know, maybe you’re so used to making it up as you go along that you assume everyone else is, but I generally don’t give my opinion, or discuss things I don’t know. It’s also just plain rude to dismiss someone like that.)

4)People who butt in (It’s none of your business, ‘nuff said)

3) Know it alls (I know that you know it all, thank you for making me feel inferior)

2) People who know it all – but don’t (If you know it all, by all means corrects me, it may be a little annoying and embarrassing, but you’re right after all. But if you correct me, and I know you’re wrong, ooooh, am I giving you looks)

1)Perpetual kvetchers (we all have frustrating moments in our lives, and an occasional kvetching session does make me feel better, but to make every occasion something kvetch worthy, no matter how exciting, wonderful, inspiring, there has to be a down side, it’s just draining. And even when I kvetch, that the flight was too long and my kid was miserable, I’m smiling and half laughing about it, because it’s over  and I’m relieved, and I know that no one is interested in my complaints, so I make it more palatable, so I can express myself and you can listen. We can say the same thing, have the same experience, and you’d never know because of the difference in attitude and presentation)

Bet Your Bottom I’m Right

My husband loves to listen to me sing. Not because I have a beautiful voice (which I do, thank you), but he enjoys listening to my version of the song – my lyrics. I notoriously butcher songs. I sing them phonetically, whatever words I hear are the ones I sing whether it makes sense of not. Whether the word is in fact a word or not when it comes to Hebrew songs.

On our third date my husband, making fun of girls not knowing lyrics, passionately sang “Avinu Av Harachman, hameracheim, Rochel Imeinu” He didn’t know he was talking to the leader of the movement. Of course I didn’t fess up until he heard me in action.

I never sing too loud by kumzitzes, not wanting to be called out for enunciating a mem instead of a noon, or a completely avoiding the middle of a word. Zemiros are quality comedy, or probably blasphemous with the words I replace. I’ve tried using a bentcher, but when I read the correct words I’m baffled as to how so many syllables are supposed to fit into such a small meter, and I end up singing on a seven second delay.

 I try to compensate, read the jackets of cd’s and memorize pesukim that I should really know already. When I do that I’m usually stupefied by myself, wondering how I ever sang the words I thought I heard. Once I read the lyrics, listening to the song becomes so much clearer, and I can hear the singer sing the words instead of a garble of phonemes that I had heard originally.

8^th Day’sYa-Alili stumped me though. When I listened to it, I thought I heard all the words, they articulated themselves pretty well. But at the end of the first verse of “Sh-te-hay l’mazal” it sounded as though they said “Bet your bottom She-te-hay” I thought it was interesting to put it mildly, but I supposed it fit, if not totally appropriate.

I mentioned this to my husband who first  burst out laughing and chalked it up to my usual “every song I sing is of my invention” malady. But he listened  to the song, and he heard it too – “Bet your bottom She-te-hay”. He mentioned this to his brother who laughed, checked up the lyrics, and told us that it’s “Im yerziah Hashem by you”. I nodded in agreement, those lyrics made more sense.

Listening to the song after this revelation, I waited for that moment. The moment where I’d HEAR the correct lyrics and laugh in amazement that I ever thought I could be anything else. But that’s not what happened. I still hear “Bet your bottom”, and can’t fathom how “Im  yertziah Hashem by you” can be deciphered from the vocals I heard.

I think I may have reached the point of no return from my lyrical condition.