I’d Rather Live Vicariously

The  newest long-standing tradition among brides is to but of course make sure her pearly whites are in fact pearly.

 So tradition being very important to me,I started the 3 week regimen required by Crest Whitening Strips.

 Besides for its being smelly, sticky, sour, stingy, and plain old gross, I got a taste of the future.

 There is a definite fear of the unknown. What will happen,

the anxious anticipation,

navigating the new,

prepping for problems

 And I will be avoiding this sensation if I ever need dentures (G-d forbid!!) You know that video clip of the skydiving granny… I always wondered what that would be like. I can now sympathize with her.

You see, one day while wearing THOSE strips for the necessary 30 minutes, my olfactory sense detected something amiss. In a preeminent strike, it defensively made my nose sneeze.

 

And the strips flew out of my mouth.

 

I smiled politely as I peeled one strip off my mother’s shaitel, and the other off her pocketbook…Fun stuff…I can’t wait to grow up.

Will the Real Tom Chenko Please Stand Up

I can’t wait to move to Lakewood and acquaint myself with Tom Chenko.

Apparently every proper Bais Yaakov girl, Kollel Wife, and any upstanding woman knows him really well. And jumps at his beck and call.

My brother, fresh meat to Lakewood, picked up the phone in his in-laws house.

“Tom Chenko,” the voice on the other line said. 

“Who?!” my brother asked. 

“Tom Chenko,” the voice repeated.

 “Tom Chenko? I think you have the wrong number,” my brother responded politely.

 The person on the other line stammered and started to hang up.

 “Wait!” by brother’s sister-in-law who was standing nearby called, and she took the receiver from my brother.

 “What’s the name?” she asked. “Is it going up or down?” And she hung up.

 My brother looked at his sister-in-law quizzically. That conversation made no sense to him, who was Tom Chenko? Names? And Lists?

 …Shidduchim?…Rapist Alert?….Political Campaign?…he thought.

 “Tehilim Chain Call” his sister-in-law explained slowly, “Very common in Lakewood.” As she took out the telephone book, flipped though it, picked up the receiver again and started dialing.

 I can’t wait.

Getting Desperate

Ok, this is my blog and I might as well use it to serve myself just as well as I entertain everyone else with it (you are entertained…don’t answer that)

In any case, as I am getting married and relocating to one holy city, Lakewood, I am abandoning my teaching post of two years. It’s tragic, but the commute is not worth it (stupid Verrazano!!) So, I’m left searching for a new position. 

The education field in Lakewood is brutal!! Did you know that you can only get a teaching position if you’re married?!? Otherwise you are relegated to assistant until you can get a ring on your finger and a mop on your head!

So if anyone out there has any leads for me, let me know…I have a B.S. in Behaviroal Sciences, and an M.S. in Literacy. I’m flexible, grade 4 and up, literacy, writing, editing, and if there’s a good full-time position anywhere else, leave a comment, or email me at tooyoungtoteach@gmail.com

Everyone Loves a Conspiracy

There is a Jewish Price Gouging Bedroom Set Conspiracy.

The average Jewish newlyweds purchase 48 inch beds. It’s in between a twin (39”) and a full (54”). Since two beds are necessary for the master bedroom, a lot needs to be taken into consideration. Not all rooms can accommodate two full beds…and furniture, or even room to squeeze around. A twin is a wee small, and from this quandary arose the 48 inch bed. Necessity in the mother of invention, and unique to the Jewish community is this size bed, seems like a perfect compromise, right?

WRONG

It is a Jewish Conspiracy that forces newlyweds to shop exclusively in Jewish furniture stores. Jewish stores that only sell overly ornate, ostentatious, gaudy, over-priced, planks of wood!

I cannot find a decently constructed set that is in my taste and price range.

I already bought my linen, so I’m stuck with the 48, and even if I were to switch to the full, Id have to purchase new blankets, because standard blankets look silly and small and inadequate on a full….it’s too much of a hassle, so I need to find a way out.

#1 VENT (which is what I’m going now)

#2 Go Amish

My brother is carpenter so he knows quality wood and construction. I checked out several Jewish furniture stores, and the few bedroom sets I may have considered, my brother checked out and deemed them a la c___p.

He kept on hocking me to check out the Amish, because their products last as long as their beards.

So I did.

Nice stuff, a little more than I wanted to spend, but feasible. But then I fully recognized the Jewish Conspiracy. I couldn’t order their beds, or a bed from anywhere else…cause 48 inch beds don’t exist anywhere else but Brooklyn and Lakewood!!!

But then there was a nice little message on the bottom of the Amish webpage that they can do customization, just call ‘em.

And I did.

Robin, the overly perky customer service rep informed me that she thinks 48 inch frames can be done, but she has to contact the builder to make sure

“They don’t have phones y’know, so it may take a day or two to get back to you.”

I thanked her, and waited in anxious suspense for a response.

She called me back today…….they can do it.

I BEAT THE SYSTEM

(yay me)