Blogger Meets World

I just read BOSD and BadFor’s post on CornerPoints wedding. I wasn’t invited. Don’t worry, I’m not insulted, and I wasn’t expecting an invitation.( btw, CornerPoint, I know who you are, and you’ve definitely heard of me, we even met at a mutual friend’s wedding, and will probably meet again at another mutual friend’s wedding who’s vort was a night before your wedding). What this really brought up for me was where does blogging and real world meet?

Blogging is great for anonymity. A blogger gets to say what they want completely uncensored because they are hiding behind an ambiguous username. People know I have a blog, if you read my blog, and do some research you can figure out who I am, so I don’t have anonymity. I censor myself tremendously when I write,  so what do I get out of having a blog?

Well for me, it’s more of a writing experiment, seeing if I can take some of the million and half random thoughts floating around my head at any given moment and making something from (barely) nothing. I also love the comments, how people respond to my writing, and perspective.

It’s also an outlet, of something do when I’m bored. It’s just a little more productive than watching YouTube clips of babies giggling.

But back to the comments…I like them, a lot. And I am insatiably curious about the people behind them…most of them have their own blogs, which are usually either random rambling, or rapid rhetoric. They have their own thoughts, ideas, perspectives. And truth be told, any ultra-orthodox person who has a blog is not the norm. They have broken the mold, and are covertly flaunting their independence. They too hide behind perky posts, and unusual usernames (I don’t know what’s up with the alliteration here, but it’s staying).

I’m curious about meeting them, and talking to them. At the same time, I’m kinda private and shy around new people, so I dont know if I’d have much to offer them in return.

I’ve had a long e-mail correspondence with Princess Lea. She almost came to my wedding, but had a previous engagement. (Princess, I know I didn’t respond, I read your e-mail during sheva brachos and said “ha, of course I’ll reply before September”…but life happens…and I still plan on responding)

I almost met Moshe at a mutual acquaintance’s wedding (well, really close friend for me, and someone who davens in his shul for him), but his wife gave birth a few days earlier and he had more pressing responsibilities.

I lamented over the lost opportunities.

I have great close friends, and I recently acquired a best one, my husband. I’m not lacking in relationships that I so desperately need to know the bloggers…but there’s something just intriguing about them (you)…does anyone share perspective, or are all the other bloggers content with conversing in the comments?

Husband Hashpa’ah #2

It’s terrible, since I’ve written the last post, I’ve allowed myself to speak a much more yeshivishe sprach than before. It’s like now that I’ve let the world know that I’m making fun of it, I can say whatever I want.

In any case, here’s Part 2

Part 3 after Yomtov!

Feste – She was wearing Feste shoes, Christian Louboutin, cost an arm and a leg

Yur n’Tzerik – Yur n’Tzerik I’d call her, now I’ll just text her mazal tov.

Musig – The play was so boring, and clichéd, you have no musig of the pathos evoked.

Shtulz – Uch, their so shtulzy, with their kids in Lily matching underwear, I’m not even trying.

Not chal – Don’t show till after ten. It’s not chal until Mrs. K, opens up her mouth.

Matziv – It’s so not a matziv, for G-d’s sake it’s a funeral

Mistama – Mistama she’s not gonna wanna come, do I still have to invite her

Chevtza – She’s a chevtza. Of what? Of garbage.

Spitz – It’s shpitz her to say that and not even realize what she said

Kav – It’s not your kav, I don’t think you should buy it.

Zach – He has this zach about sports, don’t even go there.

Not shayach – You havta read it, it’s not shayach!

Mehalech- she wanted to leave after the chuppa; I told her it wasn’t a mehalech

Sharf – And then she called her stupid, ooh it was “sharf”

Masbir – What I don’t get it, you sign up, you get the discount and then you cancel? And they don’t chap? You have to be masbir to me

Nogea – I get paid on the books, make to much money; WIC is not nogea

How many did you know on this list?!

Husband Hashpa’ah #1

Ever since I’ve gotten married, I expanded my vocabulary. This is of course encouraged by all educators, as it broadens the mind and enables a person to communicate more accurately and effectively. It’s also a great way to look smart and intimidate people when need be. However, I’m not sure my newly acquired lexis, will garner me much fear and respect. You see, I’ve learned to speak yeshivish, courtesy of my husband.

I’m sure you understand that there are several levels in increasing one’s vocabulary: there is recognizing the word while reading, using the word in writing and last using the word in your own speech.

It’s not just that my husband uses these words and I understand him. But even further, I’ve found these words creeping into conversations with my friends, who are, well, far from yeshivish. I’m finding it mildly amusing, but mostly bemusing as I feel my IQ dropping by the idiom.

I compiled several examples of my lapses in to “yeshivish” for your entertainment….I’m too self depreciating, I know

Maskim – I’m not Maskim to that style, navy and black does not match

Chutsh – He said no, after 6 dates? Did he chutsh give a decent reason

Lmaaysa – She thought she was going to BJJ, then she figured Bnos Sarah, l’maaysa, she’s in Machon Half Day and Touro

Ein hechi nami – I’m not, not going with you, ein hachen ami, I’m just not coming, I don’t feel well

Lechoyra – She seems like a nice girl, Lechoyra, but honestly, I don’t really know her

Epes – It has epes a design on the skirt, real nice.

Be’eztem – It’s a nice idea to buy a 16 piece serving set by Noritake, but be’etzem I don’t think it’s gonna work out, kollel budget, remember?

B’kiztur – ….she told her that she didn’t mean that, but she thought that she said she did and around and around, whatever, b’kitzur, they’re not talking

Ch’kav – ooooh, that salad bowl is ch’kav…I like those details, don’t think I’ve ever seen that combination anywhere

Mudne – she said that? Really? That’s mudne, why would they do that?

Shvacha meysos – She said she worked on it for hours, look at it, shvacha meysos, she dumped it together in five minutes

Uber – I wanted to buy that ring, uber I knew my Rabbi was getting me something for yomtov so I just waited

Raya – Ye….can you tell me about Chanche Bronche? She’s very hardworking…ye, and creative….can you give me a raya?

Klering – I’m going to my in-laws for the first days; we were klering on going the second days, but I have to be back for work

Dveilah – I’m looking for a job, dveilah, I’m brushing up on my culinary skills.

UpShlug (shlug someone up) – The salesperson tried giving me a million and half stupid reasons why it looked great on me, and that I should buy it, but I had no patience and she was making me nervous, so I shlugged her up on every point….ooh it felt good…Good thing I don’t shop there that often

Zicher – He’s zicher gonna want to come home, so I’ll have to cook supper anyway

Ten points for you if you can define each word I used. Have fun in the comments!

Part 2 in 2 days.

Follow The Fold

When you start running your home, you begin to appreciate different types of talent, and suddenly those American Idol contestants, that kid piano player on Leno, and Obama’s charisma seem like amateur night at the local PTA.

You begin to recognize new talent, and all you can do is stand back and watch in awe. I’m talking about the ability to decide what to make for supper in less than an hour and clean bathtub drains without passing out, and MOST of all, the ability to fold a fitted sheet.

Seriously, folding a fitted sheet just may well be the biggest challenge in keeping your in order.

My neat freak sister is married 7 years and she has still not mastered this ubertalent

My sister-in-law says it’s the against the laws of physics to turn something round into something rectangular.

My mother though has this secretly sought after momentous skill…and she’s been trying to pass it on to her children, but to no avail so far…I think though that I have the potential to master the furtive fold.

The first time I attempted to fold my linen, I had my mother on speakerphone guiding me through the process, and it came out right…ish. I got the concept but I had to smooth out a few bumps (figurative) and lumps (literal). I had my mother guiding me the other times too…till today.

My mother’s phone was off, and I could not reach her. I had already folded the pillowcases and blanketcovers yesterday, I left the sheets for today’s project on my to do list.

What to do?!

What else, but,

GOOGLE!

It directed me to several YouTube videos on how to fold fitted sheets like a pro.

I’m not a pro yet, but I’m well on my way.

Household runners in the world, ENVY ME!

I am a force to behold!

I have conquered THE FITTED SHEET in less than 3 months

(As a side point my husband thinks I’m crazy that I even thought to google it, and even more so the people that put together those clips)

Compliment Complex

Cana someone tell me what the wait time is before I can start believing people when they compliment me?

It’s one of the woes of getting married.

“Didn’t they teach you to cover your hair in Kallah Classes?”

“It looks like it’s growing out of your head!”

“It looks just like your hair, amazing!”

Look, I love my shaitel (as much as you can love an itchy net with someone else’s hair [Thank You Olga, Yetta, and maybe even Sven] sewn into it). I look amazing, but it’s not that good, and any Jewish person with a discerning (or not even so) eye will notice how it doesn’t bristle in the wind, how humidity will not frizz it, and when I run my fingers through it, it goes perfectly back into place. They may also notice the tell tale line at the forehead (go with bangs my friends, most natural!)

And then there’s everyone going on how amazing I look.

“You lost weight!”

“I can feel your ribs through that hug”

“Such cheekbones!”

“Oiy so Cheenush” (gotta get the right accent on that line)

Gimme a break, I gained weight, like most people do after their wedding. Nothing significant, 2-3 pounds, but it shows up in my face first, so it’s like “Hello, fat”.

I’m just not used to eating such complete meals a day. Lunch is a whole sit-down affair with with fruit and salad and bagels and cookies for dessert. I’m used to eating cereal and milk for breakfast, lunch and dinner .

OF COURSE I GAINED WEIGHT and you denying the fact, and actually proclaiming the opposite makes me feel even fatter, and like a baby, “Awww you’re so cute, such pulkes”, except when you’re a newlywed it’s “Awww, you’re such a cute couple, look how they look at each other, you look amazing, you’re shaitel…..”

So, I’m on a diet.

And hiding away in my snood (one of my shaitels is right where it belongs, back at the shaitel macher, yay)

Compliment me if you dare…and if you do, you know how I’ll respond.

“Oh, thank you so much…really, you think so?…I dunno, I’m not used to it yet…Thanks, I’ve been feeling so fat, it’s good to hear someone think otherwise…”

I’m so good at smiling and nodding it’s terrible; I guess I’m just lying right back at ‘em

Greetings Earthlings

Hi,

I’m really married, and running my own home.

I know this because I did laundry and already have socks that don’t pair up.

Life is good.

I recommend it J

I’m in LaLa land.

Let you know when I land.

NEWS FLASH

Just wanted to give everyone a furniture update.

I bought a Dining Room Set on Craig’s List (be jealous it was dirt cheap, practically never used, and GORGEOUS)

And forget the Amish, I bought an antique bedroom set, circa 1930’s. It comes with a vanity table. Which woman is honestly not dying to have a vanity table, with a three way mirror in which to powder her nose?!

I’d Rather Live Vicariously

The  newest long-standing tradition among brides is to but of course make sure her pearly whites are in fact pearly.

 So tradition being very important to me,I started the 3 week regimen required by Crest Whitening Strips.

 Besides for its being smelly, sticky, sour, stingy, and plain old gross, I got a taste of the future.

 There is a definite fear of the unknown. What will happen,

the anxious anticipation,

navigating the new,

prepping for problems

 And I will be avoiding this sensation if I ever need dentures (G-d forbid!!) You know that video clip of the skydiving granny… I always wondered what that would be like. I can now sympathize with her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39yoTAGtW8U&videos=jeCunf_M4JQ&playnext_from=TL&playnext=1

You see, one day while wearing THOSE strips for the necessary 30 minutes, my olfactory sense detected something amiss. In a preeminent strike, it defensively made my nose sneeze.

 

And the strips flew out of my mouth.

 

I smiled politely as I peeled one strip off my mother’s shaitel, and the other off her pocketbook…Fun stuff…I can’t wait to grow up.

Will the Real Tom Chenko Please Stand Up

I can’t wait to move to Lakewood and acquaint myself with Tom Chenko.

Apparently every proper Bais Yaakov girl, Kollel Wife, and any upstanding woman knows him really well. And jumps at his beck and call.

My brother, fresh meat to Lakewood, picked up the phone in his in-laws house.

“Tom Chenko,” the voice on the other line said. 

“Who?!” my brother asked. 

“Tom Chenko,” the voice repeated.

 “Tom Chenko? I think you have the wrong number,” my brother responded politely.

 The person on the other line stammered and started to hang up.

 “Wait!” by brother’s sister-in-law who was standing nearby called, and she took the receiver from my brother.

 “What’s the name?” she asked. “Is it going up or down?” And she hung up.

 My brother looked at his sister-in-law quizzically. That conversation made no sense to him, who was Tom Chenko? Names? And Lists?

 …Shidduchim?…Rapist Alert?….Political Campaign?…he thought.

 “Tehilim Chain Call” his sister-in-law explained slowly, “Very common in Lakewood.” As she took out the telephone book, flipped though it, picked up the receiver again and started dialing.

 I can’t wait.

Getting Desperate

Ok, this is my blog and I might as well use it to serve myself just as well as I entertain everyone else with it (you are entertained…don’t answer that)

In any case, as I am getting married and relocating to one holy city, Lakewood, I am abandoning my teaching post of two years. It’s tragic, but the commute is not worth it (stupid Verrazano!!) So, I’m left searching for a new position. 

The education field in Lakewood is brutal!! Did you know that you can only get a teaching position if you’re married?!? Otherwise you are relegated to assistant until you can get a ring on your finger and a mop on your head!

So if anyone out there has any leads for me, let me know…I have a B.S. in Behaviroal Sciences, and an M.S. in Literacy. I’m flexible, grade 4 and up, literacy, writing, editing, and if there’s a good full-time position anywhere else, leave a comment, or email me at tooyoungtoteach@gmail.com