Greetings Earthlings

Hi,

I’m really married, and running my own home.

I know this because I did laundry and already have socks that don’t pair up.

Life is good.

I recommend it J

I’m in LaLa land.

Let you know when I land.

NEWS FLASH

Just wanted to give everyone a furniture update.

I bought a Dining Room Set on Craig’s List (be jealous it was dirt cheap, practically never used, and GORGEOUS)

And forget the Amish, I bought an antique bedroom set, circa 1930’s. It comes with a vanity table. Which woman is honestly not dying to have a vanity table, with a three way mirror in which to powder her nose?!

I’d Rather Live Vicariously

The  newest long-standing tradition among brides is to but of course make sure her pearly whites are in fact pearly.

 So tradition being very important to me,I started the 3 week regimen required by Crest Whitening Strips.

 Besides for its being smelly, sticky, sour, stingy, and plain old gross, I got a taste of the future.

 There is a definite fear of the unknown. What will happen,

the anxious anticipation,

navigating the new,

prepping for problems

 And I will be avoiding this sensation if I ever need dentures (G-d forbid!!) You know that video clip of the skydiving granny… I always wondered what that would be like. I can now sympathize with her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39yoTAGtW8U&videos=jeCunf_M4JQ&playnext_from=TL&playnext=1

You see, one day while wearing THOSE strips for the necessary 30 minutes, my olfactory sense detected something amiss. In a preeminent strike, it defensively made my nose sneeze.

 

And the strips flew out of my mouth.

 

I smiled politely as I peeled one strip off my mother’s shaitel, and the other off her pocketbook…Fun stuff…I can’t wait to grow up.

Will the Real Tom Chenko Please Stand Up

I can’t wait to move to Lakewood and acquaint myself with Tom Chenko.

Apparently every proper Bais Yaakov girl, Kollel Wife, and any upstanding woman knows him really well. And jumps at his beck and call.

My brother, fresh meat to Lakewood, picked up the phone in his in-laws house.

“Tom Chenko,” the voice on the other line said. 

“Who?!” my brother asked. 

“Tom Chenko,” the voice repeated.

 “Tom Chenko? I think you have the wrong number,” my brother responded politely.

 The person on the other line stammered and started to hang up.

 “Wait!” by brother’s sister-in-law who was standing nearby called, and she took the receiver from my brother.

 “What’s the name?” she asked. “Is it going up or down?” And she hung up.

 My brother looked at his sister-in-law quizzically. That conversation made no sense to him, who was Tom Chenko? Names? And Lists?

 …Shidduchim?…Rapist Alert?….Political Campaign?…he thought.

 “Tehilim Chain Call” his sister-in-law explained slowly, “Very common in Lakewood.” As she took out the telephone book, flipped though it, picked up the receiver again and started dialing.

 I can’t wait.

Getting Desperate

Ok, this is my blog and I might as well use it to serve myself just as well as I entertain everyone else with it (you are entertained…don’t answer that)

In any case, as I am getting married and relocating to one holy city, Lakewood, I am abandoning my teaching post of two years. It’s tragic, but the commute is not worth it (stupid Verrazano!!) So, I’m left searching for a new position. 

The education field in Lakewood is brutal!! Did you know that you can only get a teaching position if you’re married?!? Otherwise you are relegated to assistant until you can get a ring on your finger and a mop on your head!

So if anyone out there has any leads for me, let me know…I have a B.S. in Behaviroal Sciences, and an M.S. in Literacy. I’m flexible, grade 4 and up, literacy, writing, editing, and if there’s a good full-time position anywhere else, leave a comment, or email me at tooyoungtoteach@gmail.com

Everyone Loves a Conspiracy

There is a Jewish Price Gouging Bedroom Set Conspiracy.

The average Jewish newlyweds purchase 48 inch beds. It’s in between a twin (39”) and a full (54”). Since two beds are necessary for the master bedroom, a lot needs to be taken into consideration. Not all rooms can accommodate two full beds…and furniture, or even room to squeeze around. A twin is a wee small, and from this quandary arose the 48 inch bed. Necessity in the mother of invention, and unique to the Jewish community is this size bed, seems like a perfect compromise, right?

WRONG

It is a Jewish Conspiracy that forces newlyweds to shop exclusively in Jewish furniture stores. Jewish stores that only sell overly ornate, ostentatious, gaudy, over-priced, planks of wood!

I cannot find a decently constructed set that is in my taste and price range.

I already bought my linen, so I’m stuck with the 48, and even if I were to switch to the full, Id have to purchase new blankets, because standard blankets look silly and small and inadequate on a full….it’s too much of a hassle, so I need to find a way out.

#1 VENT (which is what I’m going now)

#2 Go Amish

My brother is carpenter so he knows quality wood and construction. I checked out several Jewish furniture stores, and the few bedroom sets I may have considered, my brother checked out and deemed them a la c___p.

He kept on hocking me to check out the Amish, because their products last as long as their beards.

So I did.

Nice stuff, a little more than I wanted to spend, but feasible. But then I fully recognized the Jewish Conspiracy. I couldn’t order their beds, or a bed from anywhere else…cause 48 inch beds don’t exist anywhere else but Brooklyn and Lakewood!!!

But then there was a nice little message on the bottom of the Amish webpage that they can do customization, just call ‘em.

And I did.

Robin, the overly perky customer service rep informed me that she thinks 48 inch frames can be done, but she has to contact the builder to make sure

“They don’t have phones y’know, so it may take a day or two to get back to you.”

I thanked her, and waited in anxious suspense for a response.

She called me back today…….they can do it.

I BEAT THE SYSTEM

(yay me)

The Real Pesach Blues

Everyone wrote something about Pesach.

Most of them

a whine,

a  complaint,

a moan,

a gripe,

a protest,

an objection,

a call to arms.

 

I’m going to take the high road, and will instead make every girl of maiden status jealous.

This Pesach I will be experiencing my LAST three day Yom Tov as a single girl.

Three day Yomim Tovim are the bane of every single girl’s existence.

We do everything in our power to save ourselves from the full brunt of it. Buy dry shampoo, stock up on baby powder, tie ponytails higher than the Sears Tower, (and I’m sure everyone else can fill me in on the other methods)

But to no avail most girls succumb to the matted, oily, greasy, stringy, vomit inducing, stalks of hair.

And then we pray and wish we were married, so we can adequately hide behind a snood or shaitel.

You can’t look at yourself, you are ugly, unattractive, repulsive, nasty and NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO SEE YOU (on pain of death)

Your social life is dead.

Some lucky ones can still venture out of the house on the second day.

But by the third day everyone is sequestered together with their brother’s malodorous feet and cousin’s dry matzah breath.

There is no relief.

And this is my last time

EVER.

I think I may just savor the experience, and add it to my list of “The Joys of Being Single” (post forthcoming)

 

On A Scale From One To Ten

I recently played a board game that proposed many question starting with the line

 On a scale from 1-10

 On a scale from 1-10, how cute is the outfit of the person on your left

 On a scale from 1-10 what is your attitude toward your job

 On a scale from 1-10, rate the looks of the person seated to your right

 On a scale from 1-10, rate your intelligence comparative to the person on your left

 My friends and I had fun spewing numbing, making fun of each other and ourselves. Taking the initial question and spiraling them into full-blown discussions. And then I realized that Freud was right. In every joke, there is an element of truth.

 We may have been poking each other about our intelligence, wittiness, fashion sense, instinct, and looks, but we were also telling each other what we really thought of each other.

 Only in jest can you tell someone that their sweater looks like a regurgitated hairball without offending them.

Only in jest can you tell someone how it annoys the heck out of you when she berates herself, fishing for compliments

Only in jest can you really tell someone how you admire and respect him without making yourself too vulnerable.

Only in jest can you truly say what you think

 As people, censor ourselves all the time. Our mothers always say, “There’s a time and place for everything.” And they’re right. When we are kidding around though, everyone takes the others’ comments with a grain of salt. With this precaution, and mindset in place, people are free to speak,

 The constitution gave us the freedom of speech

Polite society took it away

Humor gives it back.

The Runaway Bride

I have disappeared. I will acknowledge that.

 

 I don’t post on my blog

Respond to emails

Call my friends back

Return my students quizzes the next day

Do basic chores

 

I don’t exist or function as a human being.

 

My friends call me a Blissed-Out Bride.

 

I’ve turned into the worst cliché.

 

Now I’m not here to excuse myself, but rather explain.

 

I think I’m functioning.

I think I’m responding

I think I’m being responsible

I think I’m still all here.

 

But looking at my performance of the last month objectively…I’m not.

 

The thing is I THINK I am.

 

It’s not intentional. I want to do all the things I’m supposed to do; I mean to do it. I really mean to write, to call you back, but the time just disappears and I didn’t do anything, but space out.

 

It’s the weirdest phenomena.

 

And even weirder is how not me this whole thing is. I’m not the googly-eyed, gushing, glowing, giggly type. I’m the analytical, unemotional, detached, logical type.

 

My behavior goes against all my principles.

 

And it’s a great thing.

 

My apologies again. J

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why You Should Get Engaged, Reason #23

I recommend engagement to everyone.

 

Not for the blissful utopia that it is.

 

Where the entire world seems to fade away, have no significance and you seem to float along with a lingering smile.

 

Where you are the center and the world just revolves.

 

Where there is purpose to Monday and Wednesday and Friday, and any other day he chooses to surprise me.

 

Where the sun shines even when it doesn’t, and you get away with vague answers like, “Ummm…..”

No, get engaged because it will reveal all your social insecurities, and then trounce them!

I went to a close friend’s wedding last night. Now I don’t generally consider myself to be that inhibited,

I laugh heartily,

say what I mean,

run down Boro Park streets,

sing along to the music in stores you get my drift…

And last night I broke free. I have never danced at a wedding like I danced last night.

My friend (the Kallah) wanted to know when I turned so ________. I told her I got engaged.

I did whatever I wanted, disregarded the hierarchy of the circles (family first, then cousins, then friends, then acquaintances that have to show their face)

My other friends kept telling me to behave, but I didn’t have to, Hello, I’m engaged…it doesn’t make a difference who looks at me. They were secretly jealous that they couldn’t let go…well not really secretly, it was pretty open.

Another friend warned me to watch myself because the creepy mustachio wearing video dude couldn’t stop following me…and the camera guy got in several shots himself.

A friend of a friend who is a professional dancer couldn’t stop commenting at my skill.

And random strangers came over to tell me, how it was beautiful how I was misameach the Kallah.

I could have never done that had I not been engaged. Yes, I would have had a lot of fun at the wedding. I would have danced my heart out, because she’s my friend and I want to make her happy on her wedding day…but with inhibition, I’d have stopped and started, letting go and then holding back. I’d have been glancing around surreptitiously wondering who has potentially looking at me, what are they thinking, how much to I have to watch myself if I want to get married…

I know a lot of you out there are going, “Who cares what people think, do what you want!”…but you’re reading my blog, and blogs aren’t standard reading material for the Jewish population at large, so you’re off this bell curve in terms of standard deviation…

So yeah, get engaged. It’s so liberating…until the wedding, that is.